I miss spring break. And my week of happiness. I really do. I had thought it didn’t feel different. I thought this week went by quickly. And it did. I was surprised by how quickly this week actually went by. But the stress has been crazy. My face was almost completely clear last week, and this week it is destroyed. Make-up free? Not a chance now. Sunday evening and Monday morning I was overwhelmed with the mounting anticipation of the week, exhibited through stomach-clenching stress and undulating tremors of fear.
As usual I had worked myself up way more than was necessary, but I couldn’t believe what a difference I’d experienced between last week’s in-the-moment week and the never-ending constant stress and fear of this week. Am I exaggerating? Yes. But there was a noticeable difference.
I did have some great moments this week that helped me appreciate teaching. An activity that went well. A bond made with a student. A compliment from another. For a while I questioned why I wanted to leave teaching. And then the weekend hit, and I became obsessed with worry about grading and planning, and that’s when I remembered a big part of why I didn’t want to be a teacher anymore.
I’m scared now. I don’t know what’s going to happen with me. With my life. I thought about music therapy. Now I’m considering dance/movement therapy, and I’m still interested in different types of healing. But my doubts plague me. I know I could be excited about all of this. I should be excited. The last thing I need is to be attracting more fear in my life! But even when I can shut off my own protective, critical voice, I hear concern in the voices of others. Why would I consider leaving a job when I’m not sure of its replacement? Isn’t this a bad economy? Don’t I need money? Education costs money! How will you get by?
Everything will be fine. I know it will. I will not join the panhandlers near the highway (although I’ve imagined discussing it with them). I will not starve. I will find a way. I know that I should appreciate what I have. I also know that I can’t settle for what I have. I have settled for years, trying to reason and work through the unpleasantness until the unhappiness consumed and corrupted every piece of me. I will not fall into that trap again. Nor do I want to leap from the flame to the blade. I will be happy. It’s time to move on. But where? And how?