Camino Necklace — Life as a Journey
Zumba Bracelet — Life as a Dance
Wedding Ring — Life as a Commitment
I have been gone for a long time. A very long time. And I’m back. But I’m not sure what direction I want to take. I feel like I’m in a bit of limbo right now. Finishing out one journey. Embarking on another. And it’s terrifying. I forgot how sensitive I am. I forgot how uncertainty and tension takes my stomach and intestines and wraps them around its wrists and pulls them taught until . . . until. . . and that release is what I struggle to find. Do I drink it away? Do I sit with it and stew, examining my thoughts and feelings and working with what I have? Do I muscle it out? Or do I run away, distracting myself and pushing it aside. All of my life I have learned to run away, shove away, ignore. . . Now is the time to be strong.
It is frustrating that I’ve know I must be more confident, that I have to believe in myself and be strong. But I see myself. I see the sloped shoulders, ducked head, and lowered eyes, and I am disgusted with myself. But at least I see it now. Before I WAS it, and I didn’t know. But others did, and they stepped on me and stepped over me. If they step on me now, I will notice. I will.
I am afraid. I am very, very afraid, but now I know I’ve made the right decisions. I am on the right path. The universe has made that abundantly clear to me, nailing the coffin closed and spewing the writing on the wall. Any doubts I’ve had are squelched by the decisive slamming of the gavel. Verdict? Done. Free. But not yet. I must finish out my sentence. And after I am released, I have a moat to cross and a path to find. And right now I’m afraid of the water. The prison is squeezing my soul, but it is the devil I know, and I don’t know what lies beneath those waters. Or what awaits me on the other side.
Someday I will look back on this. I will laugh. Or maybe I will cry with relief. But there will be a someday. I am not dead. And though I don’t feel it, I am stronger.
I am inspired to write this post based on experiences this week, most recently, reading the blog post Get Happy by Amy Keast. If you get the chance, check out the video she posted, too. It was different and really interesting.
So, basically, if you’ve been following my blog, you’ve gathered that I’ve been struggling a lot. A lot of what’s happening around me frustrates me, and I feel afraid and powerless. My life is at a cross-roads, and sometimes I don’t know where to turn with my frustration and anxiety. Often I’ve turned to addictions like bad food and beverages, which is presently wreaking havoc on my digestive system.
What I have found interesting, though, is the people and experiences that I have found attracted to me (or perhaps I am attracted to them?) Although I feel that my thoughts are dark and my perceptions are dismal, I keep finding myself surrounded by happy, hopeful people. I don’t know if this means I actually do want to be happy and have hope, or if the spiritual force here in our universe is nudging me in that direction. I think it’s both.
Here’s what I’ve noticed:
1) The people who respond to and like my posts are happy people. Many of them seem enlightened and/or really creative, and some have recently gotten through a struggle of their own.
2) I’ve been getting some good kicks in the pants from my friend and coworkers, that really make me squirmy inside. One of my great friends, who somehow always manages to look on the bright side had this phone conversation with me:
Me: “I’m so miserable. I had an awful day. I don’t know what to do anymore.”
Her: “What do you think about in the morning?”
Me: “I hate ___________; I hate _______________; I hate _______________”
Her: “Ah, so you’re attracting negative energy to yourself every day.”
Let me say, I believe what has been happening to me has been good. It has been necessary for my growth process. And I believe dissatisfaction is necessary for change; it can be the necessary push to get out of a static position and move to the next phase in your life. However. . . I also believe I have become one of those people. I’m one of those who complains all of the time to those I’m close to and drags myself out of bed and through each day. I remember when I used to be on the other side, observing grouchy people and thinking: “If they only knew that they were drawing this to themselves.” Because negativity breeds negativity. In this case, opposites do not attract. But negativity can also be like a drug. It is powerful and can give a false feeling of strength, which can become another bad addiction. I’m not sure I’m ready to give it up yet. But I know I need to. I do.
3) Yesterday’s conversation with another co-worker really put me at peace. This woman has faith, too. I could feel it flow from her during our conversation. She told me that I was a great person and that I would be ok. We would all be ok. And I could feel she believed it. She told me that she had always had faith in her God and that God had never let her down. I realized, as I listened to her, that I had experienced the same. Though I am no longer religious, I do believe in a spiritual power or energy that encompasses everything in the universe — I feel it would be foolish to deny it because I have felt it and known it. I don’t know exactly what it is, or how it works, but I know that when I’ve been at the end of my rope, and I’ve let go, turning myself over to faith, I’ve felt comforted. I have always come out ok. But then, the next time I face a challenge, I often forget my previous success and feel the world is falling around me, all over again.
I could write pages on this. For now, I end with this: I am inspired by people who have lost their innocence, who have discovered the evils of the world, and who still persevere in faith. I get choked up, even typing these words. I feel I walked blindly through most of my life, and I survived that way. Now that my eyes are open, I must rediscover faith.