Posts tagged ‘journey’

Life Journey Part III!

I took the Myers-Briggs test. I found that I was just as wishy-washy on some of my answers as I was the last time. . .times. . whatever. DEFINITELY an introvert but very close on everything else. So, what I was supposedly, was not me at all. I asked Brian which he thought I was, and we got different answers. So, here’s who I’m supposed to be, technically, according to my results:

INTJ (Introverted Intuitive Thinking Judging)
Have original mind and great drive for implementing their ideas and achieving their goals. Quickly see patterns in external events and develop long-range explanatory perspectives. When committed, organize a job and carry it through. Skeptical and independent, have high standards of competence and performance – for themselves and others.

**You know, looking at that again, I do see some of myself in there. Especially the last part. . .

This is who Brian says I am:

ISFP (Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving) – or almost exactly opposite of what I actually got. . .
Quiet, friendly, sensitive, and kind. Enjoy the present moment, what’s going on around them. Like to have their own space and to work within their own time frame. Loyal and committed to their values and to people who are important to them. Dislike disagreements and conflicts, do not force their opinions or values on others.

**See now. . . I think that’s how I come across. And can sometimes be like. But it’s not who I REALLY am, or at least, not as how I want to see myself.

This is who I think I may be:

INFP (Introverted Intuitive Feeling Perceiving)
Idealistic, loyal to their values and to people who are important to them. Want an external life that is congruent with their values. Curious, quick to see possibilities, can be catalysts for implementing ideas. Seek to understand people and to help them fulfill their potential. Adaptable, flexible, and accepting unless a value is threatened.

And now my entry looks super long, so I will end with job connections to the INFP personality type :
(Introduction to Type and Careers by Allen L. Hammer – Interesting booklet!)

The only 2 jobs that appeal to me are “writer” and “artist”. But it does mention teaching and helping others with problems. The “Preferred Method,” “Potential Obstacles”, and “Tips” for the Career Exploration Process are dead on, though.

**The ISFP didn’t match me. I’m fairly convinced now that I’m INFP. I’m introverted, I’m interested in possibilities, I consult feelings of myself and others, and I like to be open-minded.**

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Journey Part II

I need to find the old family footage of Kouffa Kouf to see what on Earth I was talking about, what INSPIRED me to my ramblings. I don’t remember ever seeing it, so I’m not sure I could find it. I was inspired by 2 people I sorta met today, though. Bill is a photographer who once took photographs in Vietnam, Haiti, and Mexico and has returned to it since retirement. Evan is a recent artist who self-taught himself over 3 years based on watching youtube videos. Has AWESOME ideas for children’s books.

Bill encouraged me just to get started in something. He told me a neat story of how his daughter tried an improv class through the Naperville improv group, and she ended up getting a job in sounds and lights there and also with her theater background became one of the regular performers.

I feel like I had a creative self. That kouffa kouff self. And I quickly became self-conscious or grew out of it or SOMETHING. And now I have to back and find that and start over.

My dad has a book. He should self-publish it. I wonder if he’d want to. I wonder if people would read it. So what if they didn’t? He could probably sell it to family. I’d definitely buy it! He should take the JJC class. Maybe I’ll bring it up to him.

I’m behind on my career search. Although really, I think going to this self-publishing class probably counts. And just going to WORK should count. And I’ve already taken the Meijers-Briggs many times. I should just do it and get it over with. And start researching. And put my accomplishments.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS: Seeing Ron. Getting a boyfriend. Getting cats.

I think part of my accomplishments right now are just doing what I want to do, finding what I want to do, and finding out who I am. I feel like I need to go to those confidence classes that Janet is talking about and go to some reflections. Spend more time in silence. Meditating. Spend more time thinking about ME.

I wonder if I could be an artist. I drew a very realistic drawing of Sonya once. I wonder if I could do it again. Could I touch into my artistic side? The photographer/artist side? I don’t know that I have the patience. Or want to give myself the time.

I need to send more messages out to the universe/my guardian angels. Every situation happens for a reason. I need to think more about that. I also want to take out some books on intuition.

My Life/Career Journey Part I

Funny that the poem that I chose as the theme of my journey should be written by the woman I am now meeting with as a career counselor. I see parts of me in her. I wonder if she sees parts of her in me.

I got excited today. I feel like I can be somebody, do something important. I feel like I’m under-appreciated and that I can do great things. Maybe anything! Janet hit me on the nose. I lack confidence. I’m afraid to ask for things, to tell people what I need or want. I remember working with Ron and sometimes thinking afterwards (when sessions were done) that I still lacked confidence. I think that was not within Ron’s ability, but it may be in Janet’s.

Janet suggested that I have a lot of creative talent that I’m not using, and that’s why I’ve been frustrated, that maybe that’s why I’m so unhappy in my job. I’m stifled. I feel I need to get out!

I remember being young and Aaron getting a compliment for being so quiet in the car. And I said “I’m quiet! I’m quiet in the car.” I felt so stupid about that, looking back.

I keep thinking about how my dad pushed me into teaching right away. He could have waited. Or he could have helped me explore my options further. I was never sure I wanted to be a teacher. It was an idea. I fell into it. But Janet’s right. Parents do the best that they can. They can only teach what they know. I’m on my own now.

I’ve been thinking about my observation teacher and how she recommended I go into something besides teaching. I’m thinking maybe she was right.

I wish I could repeat the excitement I felt upon leaving my first career session. Maybe I’ll feel it again for the next time. Driving home I felt like a foggy wall was falling down in front of me. Like my light bulb was going out, like maybe I couldn’t do anything and be anybody after all. Can I really find a job that involves travel and writing and performing?

Addendum of Quotes for Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee

“This war did not spring up here in our land; this war was brought upon us by the children of the Great Father who came to take our land from us without price, and who, in our land, do a great many evil things. The Great Father and his children are to blame for this trouble. . . It has been our wish to live here in our country peaceably, and do such things as may be for the welfare and good of our people, but the Great Father has filled it with soldiers who think only of our death. Some of our people who have gone from here in order that they may have a change, and others who have gone north to hunt, have been attacked by the soldiers from this direction, and when they have got north have been attacked by soldiers from the other side, and now when they are willing to come back the soldiers stand between them to keep them from coming home. It seems to me there is a better way than this. When people come to trouble, it is better for both parties to come together without arms and talk it over and find some peaceful way to settle it.” – Sinte-Galeshka (Spotted Tail) of the Brule Sioux

(Great Father = the President of the United States)

“Although this country was once wholly inhabited by Indians, the tribes, and many of them once powerful, who occupied the countries now constituting the states east of the Mississippi, have, one by one, been exterminated in their abortive attempts to stem the western march of civilization . . . If any tribe remonstrated against the violation of their natural and treaty rights, members of the tribe were inhumanly shot down and the whole treated as mere dogs. . . It is presumed that humanity dictated the original policy of the removal and concentration of the Indians in the west to save them from threatened extinction. But today, by reason of the immense augmentation of the American population, and the extension of their settlements throughout the entire West, covering both slopes of the Rocky Mountains, the Indian races are more seriously threatened with a speedy extermination than ever before in the history of the country.” – Donehogawa (Ely Parker), The First Indian Commissioner of Indian Affairs


“I am but one man. I am the voice of my people. Whatever their hearts are, that I talk. I want no more war. I want to be a man. You deny me the right of a white man. My skin is red; my heart is a white man’s heart; but I am a Modoc. I am not afraid to die. I will not fall on the rocks. When I die, my enemies will be under me. Your soldiers began on me when I was asleep on Lost River. They drove us to these rocks, like a wounded deer. . . I have always told the white man heretofore to come and settle in my country; that it was his country and Captain Jack’s country. That they could come and live there with me and that I was not mad with them. I have never received anything from anybody, only what I bought and paid for myself. I have always lived like a white man, and wanted to live so. I have always tried to live peaceably and never asked any man for anything. I have always lived on what I could kill and shoot with my gun, and catch in my trap.” – Kintpuash (Captian Jack) of the Modocs


“I have heard that you intend to settle us on a reservation near the mountains. I don’t want to settle. I love to roam over the prairies. There I feel free and happy, but when we settle down we grow pale and die. I have laid aside my lance, bow, and shield, and yet I feel safe in your presence. I have told you the truth. I have no little lies hid about me, but I don’t know how it is with the commissioners. Are they as clear as I am? A long time ago this land belonged to our fathers; but when I go up to the river I see camps of soldiers on its banks. These soldiers cut down my timber; they kill my buffalo, and when I see that, my heart feels like bursting; I feel sorry. . . Has the white man become a child that he should recklessly kill and not eat? When the red men slay game, they do so that they may live and not starve.”–Satanta, chief of the Kiowas


“The whites told only one side. Told it to please themselves. Told much that is not true. Only his own best deeds, only the worst deeds of the Indians, has the white man told.” – Yellow Wolf of the Nez Perces


“The Earth was created by the assistance of the sun, and it should be left as it was. . . The country was made without lines of demarcation, and it is no man’s business to divide it. . . I see the whites all over the country gaining wealth, and see their desire to give us lands which are worthless. . . The earth and myself are of one mind. The measure of the land and the measure of our bodies are the same. Say to us if you can say it, that you were sent by the Creative power to talk to us. Perhaps you think the Creator sent you here to dispose of us as you see fit. If I thought you were sent by the Creator I might be induced to think you had a right to dispose of me. Do not misunderstand me, but understand me fully with reference to my affection for the land. I never said the land was mine to do with it as I chose. The one who has the right to dispose of it is the one who has created it. I claim a right to live on my land, and accord you the privilege to live on yours.” – Heinmot Tooyalaket (Chief Joseph) of the Nez Perces


“We have been south and suffered a great deal down there. Many have died of diseases which we have no name for. Our hearts looked and longed for this country where we were born. There are only a few of us left, and we only wanted a little ground, where we could live. We left our lodges standing, and ran away in the night. The troops followed us. I rode out and told the troops we did not want to fight; we only wanted to go north, and if they would let us alone we would kill no one. The only reply we got was a volley. After that we had to fight our way, but we killed none who did not fire at us first. My brother, Dull Knife, took one-half of the band and surrendered near Fort Robinson. . . They gave up their guns, and then the whites killed them all.” – Ohcumgache (Little Wolf) of the Northern Cheyennes


“You have driven me from the East to this place, and I have been here two thousand years or more. . . . My friends, if you took me away from this land it would be very hard for me. I wish to die in this land. I wish to be an old man here. . . I have not wished to give even a part of it to the Great Father. Though he were to give me a million dollars I would not give him this land. . . . when people want to slaughter cattle they drive them along until they get them to a corral, and then they slaughter them. So it was with us. . . . My children have been exterminated; my brother has been killed.” – Standing Bear of the Poncas


From “A Lady’s Life in the Rocky Mountains” by Isabella Lucy Bird (1878)

“The Americans will never solve the Indian problem till the Indian is extinct. They have treated them after a fashion which has intensified their treachery and “devilry” as enemies, and as friends reduces them to a degraded pauperism, devoid of the very first elements of civilization. The only difference between the savage and the civilized Indian is that the latter carries firearms and gets drunk on whisky. The Indian Agency has been a sink of fraud and corruption; it is said that barely thirty per cent of the allowance ever reaches those for whom it is voted; and the complaints of shoddy blankets, damaged flour, and worthless firearms are universal. “To get rid of the Injuns” is the phrase used everywhere. Even their “reservations” do not escape seizure practically; for if gold “breaks out” on them they are “rushed,” and their possessors are either compelled to accept land farther west or are shot off and driven off. One of the surest agents in their destruction is vitriolized whisky. An attempt has recently been made to cleanse the Augean stable of the Indian Department, but it has met with signal failure, the usual result in America of every effort to purify the official atmosphere. Americans specially love superlatives. The phrases, “biggest in the world,” “finest in the world,” are on all lips. Unless President Hayes is a strong man they will soon come to boast that their government is composed of the “biggest scoundrels” in the world.”

And just for fun and something else to ponder. . .

“One thing that I’ve always wanted to do ever since I was little; I’ve always wanted to be abducted by a UFO. . . we get a little ha, we get a little cocky; what if this happens — oh my god, what if this happens? What if the mother ship, (booooooom) comes over middle America, and we’re all sitting watching TV, all the news crews are focused in, and we’re sitting there watching. . . what if when the hatches finally open (chaaaaa) outta the UFO’s come thousands of 100 foot Native American Indians?!

We’re gonna be watching like.. FUCK those are huge Indians. Please tell me they’re not giant Indians. Goddd damn it, they’re huge Indians. Alright. Good game America. We had some fun huh?

Hi, giant Indians; we did some shit…and…uhhhh….ah aha ha. …..Could you show us how to make giant corn!!??” – Dane Cook

Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee Book Review

Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee by Dee Brown

This text really is a heart-burying/heart-breaking history of the Native Americans from the middle to end of the nineteenth century. My friend warned me that I would cry. And I did, as I read Ch. 4 “War Comes to the Cheyennes” and read the horrifying description of the Sand Creek Massacre. It was one of many scenes of merciless slaughter – another Native American town wiped out (men, women, and children) by the military in an unprovoked attack.

Each chapter in the book is dedicated to the various Native American groups of the time. Each story is just as depressing as the next. Even as a few Native American tribes, like the Sioux and Cheyenne in “Chapter 12: The War for the Black Hills,” seemed to have preserved their freedom and way of life, in the end, their story ended just the same. Many were murdered, and the rest were forced into a reservation in a rough, completely foreign land. Native Americans were relegated to the land that nobody else wanted – pushed, pulled, hoodwinked, until the US government gave the westbound settlers all the land they wanted. Many Native Americans were removed from even these undesirable allotments if prospectors found any valuable natural resources there. An unnamed chief remarked, “I think you had better put the Indians on wheels, and you can run them about whenever you wish.”

As someone who wondered: “What on Earth happened to the Native Americans?”, this book was truly an eye-opener for me. I realize that no book is without bias, but the history of America has only been told from one side (or not told at all!), and Dee Brown is successful in giving the Native Americans a voice. I recommend the illustrated version. It’s great for a visual person like me, and it breaks up the weighty text. The Native Americans have been wronged over and over and the story is not over. The injustice continues to this day. The book has inspired me to learn more about current Native American reservations.

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