Posts tagged ‘job’

Summary Saturday/Sunday: Working with Change

This weekend came at the tail end of some big change.  I left my full-time warehouse position on Friday and finished up my Spanish II tutoring Saturday morning.  I am relieved to have completed both of those, but I feel like I haven’t gotten a chance to breathe yet — and maybe I won’t!  There are things to do.   Goals to accomplish.   Gotta get moving.

It is a pattern of mine to be busy, and I’m taking a look at that.  Part of it is that I seem to fall apart without structure.  Another is that it’s an excuse not to look at my goal, purpose, and ideal.  Having downtime means having time to think, to reflect.  Busyness means I ain’t got time for that.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Based on my experiences from the last days, the next few weeks are going to mean a couple of things for me.

  1. Baby Steps.  I feel a swelling panic within me because of the huge projects lurking over me; i.e.  starting my business, securing supplemental income, and cleaning the whole house.  If I panic, I will shut down.  I will procrastinate or do nothing at all.  So, my first plan is to find the mini goals within the big goal and schedule them and knock ’em out.  If the little goal still seems like too much, I will break it down even further.  For example: getting myself completely organized and the house completely clean turns into: Cleaning all of my excess stuff (changes of clothes, school books and papers, old winter jacket!, out of the car and dumping it in the kitchen.  Next small step: taking things off of the kitchen table and putting it back where it belongs — a few items at a time.  Also,  I’m wanting to set up a new bank account for the business, and I’m considering a local institution.  Seems daunting!   My baby step can be calling them up to get some info.  Or researching them for a few minutes.  If I’m being perfectionistic about setting things up, maybe I drop in and talk with someone first and then come again another time.  Anything to get me started.
  2. Stay Solid, But Stay Open.  I feel I don’t do well with change, especially anything that originates from an outside source.  One of my metaphysics classmates said that she struggles with change and that it’s a “Virgo” thing, and — as a fellow Virgo — I pounced on it as a convenient excuse for my limitation.  I know from experience and my intuitive reports that I desperately throw down anchors around me when things begin to shift around me.  The important thing is to become centered within myself.  Part of that is becoming secure in myself and who I am and what I’m meant to do.  If I can be secure within I will be able to take advice and suggestions better from without — a moldable, squishy  outside with a rock-hard core!

What have you learned about yourself this week?  How do you deal with change?

Metaphysics Monday: Rollercoaster Emotions

Image courtesy of markuso / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of markuso / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Lately our metaphysics teacher has been surprising us with her responses to our experiences during the week.  Feeling upset?  Great!  Resistant?  Fantastic!  Struggling with your exercises?  Good!  I imagine she will same something similar about the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on this past week.  I think her point was that sometimes we experience things in extremes to get a sense of  the extremes of duality, which helps guide us toward our center.  Also, the stirred up emotional turmoil signals a change is coming on, and the School of Metaphysics is all about change and growth.

I’m struggling with self-empowerment today.  That is my current focus, and I still find myself seeking answers from others, not trusting myself.  I want to know that everything will be alright.  I don’t want to make a mistake.  And I want to be positive.  I really do.  This morning I even told myself “T L C!”  (Thinking positively, Love, and Concentration.)  I started off the day energetic and determined to do my best.  And yet by the end of the work day my shoulders were sloped, and I was angry, frustrated, and depressed.  My ego had pulled the gray cloud the rest of the way around me, and I felt like this “positive-thinking” person was just me  pretending to be somebody I was not.  I called Brian, and voiced what I believed.  “I am a negative thinker.  I don’t trust myself.  I will never find a job that makes me happy.”  “Fake it ’til you make it” just sounded completely ridiculous right then.   Then I had a tutoring session with a student that had moved from Sundays to Monday nights, and driving home after the session I stopped for a moment, checked in with myself, and realized I was now in a happy state, peaceful even.  I had a glimmer of hope again.

I do not know what the exact answer is to what I’m looking for.  But something inside tells me that I need completion with this, and I need it something fierce.   This is my chance to believe in myself, to make a clear decision and run with it.  And if it doesn’t work, run with something else.  I still feel I need a little more information, a little more faith, and then I’m going to leap — and fly.

Thankful Thursday: Job Thankfulness

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

When I was young my mom used to tell me that instead of asking God for something, you thank God for it, as if it has already been given to you.  My sister recently seconded that concept, applying it to angels, based on her studies of Kyle Gray, the angel communicator.  So, here is my most recent job version of my 10 Most Wanted, dedicated to thankfulness:

God and angels,

1. I thank you for my job (s) that allow me to pay my bills, pay my mortgage, give to charity, pay for school, and take care of my needs and wants.

2. I thank you for my job(s) that allow me free weekends and time for activities and writing.  (Ideally within the hours of 9am-4pm so that I can get my exercises done in the morning and have dinner with Brian before my nightly activities.)

3. I thank you for the fulfillment , fun, and excitement I have with my job.  I thank you for the opportunities for learning, service, and following my life purpose.

4. I thank you for the ideas I’m free to share and that are accepted and my opportunities to create.

5. I thank you for a job that’s close to home.

6. I thank you for wonderful, supportive coworkers.

7. I thank you for a job that has a lot of flexibility, variety, mobility (physical), and access to sunlight.

8. I thank you for a a job that allows me to interact with and assist others, also allowing me to use my Spanish.

9. I thank you for a job that gives me an excuse to travel.

10. I thank you for a job that makes a difference in an organization  (or with individuals) with integrity.

I am grateful for the wonderful opportunity and experience that you have helped me to create! ❤

You’ve Got Me Feelin’ Emotions

"Image courtesy of hyena reality / FreeDigitalPhotos.net".

Image courtesy of hyena reality / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

Emotions of the Day: Fear/Paranoia and Anger

Disclaimer: These are not the only emotions I had today, thank goodness — they are just the ones that I would like to learn from!

I had a mini-epiphany today and experienced a bit of euphoria.  I’d like to get it back!  I was feeling paranoid and fearful again today at work.  And I said to myself: “Ok.  Why is this coming up over and over again?  If emotions are the subconscious trying to tell us something , what is the lesson here?  One of the metaphysics lessons I was reviewing talked about recognizing negative affirmations and then directing the mind in a positive direction.  So, what did I want, then?  I imagined myself having a “Whatever” reaction to people I interacted with, in situations that were normally uncomfortable.  I realized this did not resonate with me.  It felt like I would be closing off.  What about loving myself?  And being happy with myself?  Sure, sure.  That sounds great.

Then, something clicked.  I’m not sure what it was, but I got it.  Loving myself, and accepting myself, while at the same time projecting that love out to whoever I was interacting with.  A “Self, I love you, just because you are” at the same time as a “Wow, hey, and I really love you!” to whoever had approached me.  Suddenly I felt like the my vision had expanded and I could see more of my surroundings.  Everything looked brighter, as if someone had turned the lights up a notch.  I think I had a taste of what enlightenment would feel like.  Gradually, it faded, but it gave me hope.  Maybe my insecure feelings are actually leading me right to my ideal (unconditional love for self and others) and my purpose (self empowerment).  I am exactly where I need to be.

Would love to stop there, but we humans can experience a lot of emotions in one day!  It can be hard to digest it all sometimes.  On the very same day as my euphoria, I experienced a bout of anger.  (I was angry earlier this week and tried the ice  suggestions from my lesson — ice packs are all I  actually had — the cold on my temples and the back of the head by the medulla oblongata, and that really works!)  I don’t feel like I had a big epiphany with this one, but I did acknowledge my emotion and recognize it as a need to express myself, and then eventually express it.  Pobrecito, Brian, but he is an excellent teacher for me!  The important thing is not to let the anger carry me, to take a step back, cool down, and work with the thoughts behind the emotions.    Also, I’m still working on addressing my anger sooner, when it’s still a little pocket of anger, as opposed to my jumbo-size garbage bag of  anger, that stretches and then explodes.

A lot of learning again today. I look forward to some great dreams tonight!

True Colors (and “bad girls”, Asian beetles, and annoying station changes and repeating songs)

"Image courtesy of digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net".

“Image courtesy of digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

My work is gray, gray, gray.  I’m surrounded by daunting, mountainous gray walls.  I understand why the bigwigs wouldn’t want to put drywall up the sides of the gargantuan warehouse and across that expansive bleak ceiling, but it’s depressing to look at.  The fluorescent lights don’t help.  Have you seen Joe vs. the Volcano? I’m living those opening scenes. If you haven’t seen it, watch it.  And not just because I want you to understand my reference — it’s a cute movie; Meg Ryan plays 3 different roles,  That was Meg Ryan when she was still America’s sweetheart, before she rebelled and ran off with an Aussie.  Another good girl gone bad.  I mean, look at, Brittany Spears, Lindsay Lohan,  Hugh Grant, Miley Cyrus . . .  I mean, you’ve gotta live your life and find your own way, but I think it could be done a little less painfully.  So, parents, remember, don’t make your daughter out to be your “little angel” unless you want your little hell’s angel flying careening into adulthood, if you know what I’m saying.    

ANYWAY, so there is a rainbow in the darkness of the massive gray walls.  Now that I think about it, maybe it’s good that the walls aren’t white: no Asian beetles.  Those things love white walls, something to do with the white mountains of their native land, or so I’ve heard.  And that warehouse is wide open when the UPS/FedEx trucks are docked.  Can you imagine those walls covered in those orangey, putrid-smelling little bug balls?  Yeck!

So, the color comes in the little things.  Like my coworker’s hats.  The guy who I’m now assisting  always wears a hat.  And the amazing part is that he’s always perfectly color-coordinated; for example, today he had on a purple Sox hat with a matching purple shirt.  I asked him how many hats he has, and he flashed a beautiful smile and said he didn’t know.   He said it’s his thing.  And it is.  And it’s wonderful — a little bit of color in a gray existence.

I have a little bit of my own color.  I get to play music at work, and I finally brought in my iPod and got my “shuffle”d on.  My music is as varied as my coworker’s hats, a little bit of everything: classical, country, musical theater, classic rock, hard rock, soft rock (Oxymoron?), New Age, angry girl, sobbing girl, R&B, jazz, soundtracks, even a smidge of rap and religious.  I don’t like to define myself in one way, and it shows in my listening choices.  You should experience riding in the car with me; I’m one of those people who changes the station every two minutes — not exaggerating — sometimes I change the station in the middle of the song I’m listening to.  Now that I think about it, you really shouldn’t ride in the car with me.

That is the best part of my day: getting to play my music.  Anyone listening can get to know me a little better without me even saying a word.  But you have to get close enough to me to actually hear the music above the huge, whirring overhead fans and the drumming of all of the conveyor belts.  I’m actually grateful for the noise because without it I hear the stereos of the book processors.  The one closest to me blasts her Spanish radio station, and don’t get me wrong, I love Spanish radio (I speak Spanish!), but if I hear the “la la la”s of  “Vivir Mi Vida” one more time, I may pick up one of the processor’s textbooks and start bashing my head with it.

So, I’m grateful for the bit of brightness amidst the gray, a little “la la la” for the blah, blah, blah.

Balance

mage courtesy of scottchan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

mage courtesy of scottchan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It’s all about balance . . . and having an idea of what I want in life, and of having some satisfaction with what I presently have.  I have fallen into the trap of never being happy, always imagining my situation could be better, and then being unhappy again with my new situation.

This is what’s happening with my work life.  Earlier this summer I didn’t have enough work.  My final year as a classroom teacher was done, the summer was free, and I was desperately looking for something to fill the void.  Did I enjoy my time off?  No!  I felt guilty for being free.  I was consumed by worry about where my income was going to come from.  Where was that stable job or two that would give me a break from the stresses of teaching but also give me a little bit of security?

So, then I got one.  And another.  And another.  And these  3 jobs — though still not enough to comfortably pay all of my monthly expenses — began to drive me into the ground.

And now I’m at the point where I have to decide what I want.  I know I don’t want this.  Don’t get me wrong — I don’t regret a single thing I did —  but I know things can’t stay this way forever.

So, what do I want?  I would like one  job.  It would like a single job that pays enough to support my regular bills, charity, some simple wants, and eventually some bigger wants: travel, my dream home, an electric guitar, maybe a new bike, etc.  Any other “work” beyond that I would like to be volunteer or extraneous and very flexible.

And what about the details of this job? This is what I envision for right now.

  • 8AM to 4PM would be the ideal hours.
  • Distance within 30 minutes.
  • I would like the job to be physical in some respect; I need to be moving around.  If I’m actually physically using my body for some of the work, so much the better (as long as I am not stressing and injuring myself).
  • I would like to be a part of brainstorming.  I am an ideas person and a problem-solver, and I like to have my ideas considered and to be useful.
  • I would ideally like the Arts to somehow be a part of my job: writing, art, dance, theater, speaking — or all of the above!
  • And the more variety in my job, the better.  I love being the utility player; I love being the renaissance woman.

Finally — and perhaps most importantly — my work needs to have meaning.  It needs to serve a higher purpose, help the greater good.  I want to help raise the vibration of the world, not just of my own.

My metaphysics teacher suggested I draw my actual future job scene.  I haven’t gotten past that artist’s block yet, but very soon!

More blogs to follow this week.  I’ve deemed tonight as my blogging night. 🙂

 

 

Smorgasbord Time!

"Abstract Radial" courtesy of Simon Howden / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“Abstract Radial” courtesy of Simon Howden / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It’s been a long time since I last posted — if I’m trying to post every day, which I am — so, this is the time when I spit out everything and attempt to make it organized, so that it doesn’t come out like (_insert disgusting analogy here__).

GO BLACKHAWKS!

Yeah, I’m totally a fair-weather fan.  I don’t even attempt to hide it anymore.  And I’m fairly disgusted with certain Chicago sports. But, Go Blackhawks!  How awesome are they?  (I have no TV pretty much, except for 3 channels, but I’m getting a basic idea of what’s happening in the game from the triangle of the slow internet score updates, my neighbor’s anguished/excited cries out back, and Brian’s occasional texts.)

Hay House

I overdosed.  Yes, (raised hand) I admit it.  I knew it was crazy to try to listen to ALL of those videos, but I tried anyway.  And it all ended up blending into a crazy mish-mosh, so that if people asked me what I learned for the day, I couldn’t tell them anything with certainty.  HOWEVER, I did enjoy the videos I listening to, and I feel I internalized some great ideas, that I may or may not remember right away if you were to on-the-spot ask me about them. (But, give me time — they will likely come up in future posts.)   If nothing else, I know this: Meditation!  Self-love!  Gratitude!  Service!  And I am now trying to limit myself to two or three videos a day, instead of 9-10!  (Today I listened to two on finances.)  Tomorrow will be a little tough because 5 of them look interesting . . .

School of Metaphysics

I am really enjoying my Wednesday class.  It’s funny; I go in cycles between being really excited and being anxious.  Now I’m more excited.  Tomorrow will be interesting because we’re having a “beautify the space” day, and I’ve found that I’m tight with time and helping lately, so this is not something I’m super excited about, even though I know it will be good for me (which is funny because I’ve been looking for volunteer activities.  I suppose looking is not the same as doing.)

Coursera Art Course

I’ve been wanting to explore art for forever, but it’s been one of my blockages, which relates to letting myself “play,” as Cindy, my coach tells me.  She told me to take 2 minutes a day to play.  That was yesterday.  I still haven’t “played” yet.  Sometimes I wish I could just make myself into a 3-year-old again.  Anyway, the course is really fascinating. The audio lectures about the artists are a little long for me, but everything else is intriguing: the fantastical artists themselves, their work, the various materials one can use for art, the various lines and shades and textures and other-art-terms-that-I can’t-remember-but-was-awed-by, etc.  I’m supposed to create a couple of art projects. One is supposed to be an introduction to me.  I thought it would be fun to use some collage maybe and possibly some colored pencils.  (I’m not going to have the really awesome fancypants materials that the instructor was showing us, but I’ll make do!)  And I thought it would be neat to incorporate something having to do with dreams and my true self, since that’s what I’ve been interested in lately.  So, we’ll see.  If I get it done — I mean, WHEN I get it done — I’ll post it on here.

Tutoring

I am starting a new student on Monday.  It will be for 3 weeks, and it is a summer make-up Level 2 Spanish course.  I’m both excited and terrified.  I already have some ideas, but I can feel the old anxiety settling in.  Sigh.

Job Stuff

And speaking of job-related stuff. . .  yeah, I’m still thinking about where I’m headed next.  All the time.  Money and job.  Those thoughts are my constant companions.  It’s good that I’m still tutoring, so I don’t feel like I’m completely aimlessly floating.  There is aim!  Sigh.  BUT, I’m meeting with the director of the School of Metaphysics tomorrow to hopefully get some insight from her about it.  I’m really nervous all my blockaging forces will come kicking and screaming out at her in a ferocious and scary way, but it can’t hurt to see what happens! . . .  Right?

And that’s going to have to be it for now.  Blackhawks are in double overtime right now.  Yeesh. . . yawn . . . Bed time.

Wait. Wait — (for those of you who came to this page because of the “strawberry” or “gardening” search terms I threw in there) Here it is: Strawberries from your garden are the most delicious thing ever. Well, anyway, they are amazing. That is all. 😀

"Red Strawberry"  courtesy of criminalatt / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“Red Strawberry” courtesy of criminalatt / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Worth the wait, right?  

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