On top of the world
Understanding what it all means
In the moment
At war within
Lost in my head
Confused and scattered
At the bottom of the pit
In just one day!
I just jumped onto Jeff Goin’s “15 Habits of Great Writers” Challenge” , and I’ve gotta catch up! Day 1 is proclaiming to the world that I’m a writers, so there it is! I also double-checked my social media profiles. I added “writer” to Facebook and saw that my Twitter (TeriLari) already has that down.
Every day I think about how important believing in myself and being confident is. I keep thinking “If I could just. . .” But I think the important thing is just to give myself a break. To just let go. . . if I am riding myself all of the time, criticizing myself at every turn, how is THAT going to help anything? I have 3 spiritual books that I keep in the bathroom, and one is 10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace by Dr. Wayne Dyer. The last time I picked it up I flipped to the chapter: “You Can’t Give Away What You Don’t Have”. (I always seem to open up to the right page.) If I am full of self-criticism, that is all that I have away. And that is NOT who I want to be.
Seriously, I had to laugh when I heard myself think this morning while walking Bowser: “Good God, Teri, you can’t be in the moment, can you? You can’t stay focused for a second!” Geez! Lighten up, self! How can I possibly relax when I have my own ego breathing down my neck every second? So, my goal is going to be to take a chill pill. If I find myself off track,I’ll just be aware of it, and refocus. . . even if it’s for a second! That’s fine!
And back to writing: I think I want to write children’s stories. I already have one that I wrote in high school that I like; I just need to figure out how best to present it to a publisher and WHO to send it, too. And then I want to keep writing. . . more and more and more. And I’m going to start journaling every day. Or at least having writing time, time where I just sit and let myself think, and then write what comes. I think I have some crazy ideas that I’ve squelched because I thought they were nuts. All this stifling has shut me off. Time to open the floodgates!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
It has been a whirlwind week this week. Friday I thought I’d finally found some peace, but I was turned upside down when I had to leave a great workshop to return to work because my substitute teacher cancelled on me the night before. To further give me a spin, my day ended with a phonecall from my mom, telling me that a great uncle had died and the wake was — happening as we spoke.
But I know everything happens for a reason. I feel it all of the time now. Too many things come together and make too much sense. I wish I could make sense of all these happenings. I wish I could read these signs. I like having control over my life. I like knowing where I’m going, where I’m headed. Change is coming, but what will it be?
Sometimes I wish my spiritual guides would make themselves present to me., just pop in front of me and tell me what’s what, because I know they’re there. But then I picture something like a ghost apparating in front of me, and then me consequently having a heart attack. Is it true that “life is what happens when you make other plans”? How much do we “let go, and let God”?
Do I just need to relax? Maybe that would help. Everything will unfold as it as meant to be.
I haven’t written in a while. And I’m not sure anymore whether I’m supposed to, or not. I’ve been reading two books. One is The Tao of Writing, and the other is If You Want to Write by Brenda Ueland. They are both enjoyable books, and they seem to be melding together, such that I can’t tell what I read from which book. (One is my nightstand and bathroom book, and the other travels with me in my purse for downtime situations.)
But, anyway, they both insist that writing is about inspiration, and that forcing oneself to deadlines does not enable authentic writing. It is forced and cheap. Of course, I don’t want this.
But they do suggest that you should open yourself up to writing. You should be “in the moment” and allow inspiration to flow through you. One suggested that you might sit for hours at a desk, writing nothing or little, and that this was great! And another talked about taking 7-8 mile walks to let the mind wander freely — and NOT walking for the purpose of exercise in a rushed, purposeful sort of way. Because that inhibits your creative flow. (But, who has time for that?!?)
So, then I began to think. I am a big fan of “in the moment.” I love the writing of Eckart Tolle and believe he has truly found peace. My last year’s resolution was to be “in the moment” — it failed mostly — and I’ve had that desire ever since I’ve read Tolle’s books.
But I am about the worst “in the moment” person I can think of. I can’t meditate. I am sometimes even distracted during yoga. As a teacher, my mind is constantly at work, reflecting on the last lesson, thinking about the next lesson, and then planning for the next day. I am hardly ever IN THE MOMENT. Can I find a job, a situation, that helps me find this peace?
And it doesn’t stop with my job. My extracurriculars are ridiculous. I have involved myself in weekly yoga, orchestra, and band, and am now struggling with possibly cancelling them all so that I can make room for my theater rehearsals and volunteering (which will hopefully guide me toward my next profession. . .)
I do not know the meaning of downtime. I only indulge in it when my mind and body rebel in the errands and “to do”s that I have continually forced upon myself, and then when I abstain, I feel guilty, like a lazy, procrastinating student, who fails to finish her work and yet knows she will never really be able to finish. But, if she actually WERE able to finish — if she actually had NOTHING ELSE TO POSSIBLY DO . . . she would be lost.
This is what I have become. I’d like to take a step back and start over, but I’m afraid to get off the merry-go-round. I hope that recognition is the first step toward health. . .