Posts tagged ‘humor’

Funny Friday: Crazy English

I saw this clip at an ESL workshop once.  I’ve never forgotten it!  I love to show it to students to demonstrate how ridiculous the English language is.  I just showed it to one of my adult ESL students last week!  Enjoy. ❤

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Funny Friday: Arrrr! Pirate Joke!

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I heard a great joke from my friend Goldie Matthew as the Jokemaster at the last Toastmaster’s Meeting.  I found a similar version on PirateJokes.Net to mix with Goldie’s version:

Captain Hook walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!”
“What do you mean?” the Captain Hook replies, “I’m fine.”
The bartender says, “But what about that wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Arr!” says the Captain, “That’s a good story.  We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I’m fine, really.”
“Yeah,” says the bartender, “But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands.”
“Arr!” says the Captain, “Another good story.  We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off, but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really.”
“Oh,” says the bartender, “What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes.”
“Arr,” says the Captain, “That’s the best story of all!  One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye.”
“All due respect, Captain,” replied the bartender, “What happened?  You couldn’t have lost an eye just from some bird poop!”
“Arr!” says Captain Hook, “Well, it was the first day with me hook.”

Much love, many blessings! ❤

Funny Friday: The Unfortunate Dot (for Adults)

ID-100343100Please excuse my first public attempt at comedy.  It is funnily meant. 😉

It all starts with a dot.  Really.

I’m very amused (and sometime annoyed) by the disparity between what’s appropriate for women’s upper half and men’s upper half. . . It seems that because the substance of our pectorals protrudes a little further than that of men’s — Well, some of ours do . .  (and actually, some men’s do, really. . .) — we have to cover ourselves up, while men, for some reason, do not.

Or course, we have quite a lot of us rebels out there.  I applaud the tini  . . . and not so tini . .  and especially the teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikinis! that women don today, everything from the sports bra halter to the strings attached to bandaid sized mesh, the bare minimum for society’s requirements today.  “Men can bare their wares and not us?” they say.  “Well, maybe we both can have it our way!”

And what is the “way”, exactly?  It’s not really about the protrusion.  Not really.  It’s about covering up the dot.  Yes, the nipple.  I mean, think about it — what else could it be?  Because . . . the side boob is passable.  The cleavage is acceptable.  Is there even a word for the “underboob”? I think I’ve seen some of that, too!  So, what’s left?  The center.  The dot.  We cannot expose that part without consequences.

So, why must the female’s dot be covered and not the male’s, you ask?  It can’t be the protrusion beneath the dot — because some men have it, too!  Ah. . . it must be the function of the dot.  Something comes from the dot. (Milk!)  Perhaps we fear we will get squirted the face by an out of control milk nozzle!  Or perhaps we do not believe we have the self-control required to abstain from these glorious fountains of fat and protein!  Are the machines functioning?  Who cares?  We might try to find out, running like baby cows to their ready mothers.

That must be it.  Surely.  That is why many men (and women!) frown upon breastfeeding. We fear being tempted to join in with the baby!  Does it matter that native cultures have not had this problem?  No!  We are different!  We are special! Are you sure that it’s not that are horrified that these mothers don’t have the perfectly engineered/photoshopped/amazingly natural breasts like the ones on the billboards I drive by every day?  Of course not!  I mean, those nipples are covered! What was I thinking? It’s because of the dot!  The dot might be exposed!  Keep the dot covered!  What if the baby stops to take a breath?!  We will see it all!  What if the mom has to adjust her position and move the baby!  The dot!  Ay!  Avert your eyes!

I hope to have brought some dot-phobia awareness to you today, so that you are better able to understand and cope with this phenomenon in all its complexity.  And I hope we stop to pause when we are tempted to judge others on their dress codes and recognize that ours may be just as “wacky”!

Much love and many blessings to you all. ❤

Image courtesy of Viacheslav Blizniuk at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Just Watch :-)

So much going on with me right now.  (All good things!  A lot of learning!)  Meanwhile — in the process of assimilating everything — I’ve come across this perfectly timed video.  It’s too good not to share it with all of you — my soul leaps with inspiration and joy!   Prepare to be wowed!  Especially by the second half!

And then read this.  It matches perfectly:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles”

Oops!

"Can T See You" by imagerymajestic / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“Can T See You” by imagerymajestic / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

This morning a number of uninvited Victoria Secret models visited my  3rd grade Spanish classroom.

They were the opening act for my video of “The Little Drummer Boy” in Spanish, with accompanying lyrics.

And I swear the opening ad was a different one when I previewed the movie yesterday.

I don’t think my face has ever felt so hot, as I panicked and fruitlessly stepped in front of the projector screen, causing the kids to howl even louder with laughter.

Seriously, YouTube?  The Little Drummer Boy?

The joys and perks of technology.

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