Posts tagged ‘frustration’

Metaphysical Monday: Frustrations = Misunderstandings

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Image courtesy of Salvatore Vuono/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net”

I’ve noticed a change in myself.  I’m becoming more aware of my judgements and more aware of my frustrations with situations and people’s reactions that don’t go as I imagine they will (or should).

At first I thought these reactions meant I was coming more into my own, that I was becoming more self-empowered.  But today I reflected on it further.  I believe it does have to do with self-empowerment; However, it means  I am on the road to self-empowerment.  I am not becoming more self-empowered by being more stubborn and opinionated.  Yes, I am beginning to take more notice of myself and what I believe.  I am developing more confidence, strength.  But the frustration itself stems from misunderstanding — we learn in metaphysics class that anger comes from misunderstanding.  So, then, what do I need to understand?

I need to understand self-empowerment!    True self-empowerment.  I cannot change my environment.  I cannot change other people.  I cannot change situations.  But I can change myself.   I can change how I view a situation; I can change how I react to a situation.   And I can become centered within myself; as the world around me spins like crazy, I can maintain my core.  I can know I AM, know my Creator, and know light and love.

And when I know these, truly, truly know all of this — all frustrations will melt away, opinions will be irrelevant, and I will live in eternal joy.

Gotta Have Faith

"Smiling Friends With Circle Shape" courtesy of stockimages/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“Smiling Friends With Circle Shape” courtesy of stockimages/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

This past week has been a struggle for me.  First off, I set my heart completely on something, and I couldn’t understand why the universe hadn’t given it to me yet.  I knew I really wanted it (for once), I told my friends about it, I asked my family to visualize it for me, I was trying to visualize it myself (which is hard for me), and I got a clear “66” signal for it.  So, what did I do wrong?   Why were others receiving, while I was still getting nothing?

I feel like I don’t understand how the universe works.  I thought if I put all the right circumstances into place that I would get exactly what I wanted.  I thought that my wishy-washiness was all that was holding me back.  But now I don’t know what to think.  Am I over-thinking?  See, now I’m over-thinking about my over-thinking.

Also, I felt an attack to my ego last week.  I understand that I need to work on my ego, but I thought the criticism/comments came from a place of misunderstanding, and I wondered if I should have spoken up.  Did I need to defend myself?   Instead I chose to retreat into a place of bitterness and frustration, fighting to sort out what was ego, and what was truth.  I may receive some clarity in class tonight.

I ended last week in a swirling haze of anger, transitioning into work-related worry; then, I began this week with a fresh bout of depression.  I knew logically that none of these things were good.  Worry is negative visualization.  Anger is a near opposite of love.  Depression is. . .  well. . . depression.  (Dwelling on the past in a negative way, I suppose.)  I knew logically that I needed a change, I knew that I had a soul, that I was a being of light.  I knew it from my lessons. But that’s the thing about depression.  Something in me just didn’t care.

So, the reason I’m writing this at all is that something changed.   Being with people yesterday turned me around.  Maybe the interactions forced my brain to focus on something else.  Or maybe my life felt like it had some direction and purpose again.  Probably both.  But I’m grateful to those who changed my life for the better: my ACT tutoring students, the older gentleman who flirted with me at the coffee shop, the friendly lady who gave me a wide smile at the intake interview, the new friend who promised a fun surprise for today, my ex-fellow teachers who shared my home and their love for children, and my sweetheart, who said he felt blessed to spend his life with a beautiful soul.

I know life is full of lessons, and I forgive myself for laboring with some of them.  There is positive in every experience.  I’ve just gotta have faith.

Christmas: Life Is What Happens . . .

"Christmas Background" courtesy of Michal Marcol / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“Christmas Background” courtesy of Michal Marcol / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Here I sit again, wrapped in a blanket on the loveseat, now on Christmas Day, staring across at Brian, lying sprawled across the adjoining couch, who, since early this morning, has apparently contrived the same sickness that I’m still suffering from.  Headache, coughs, etc.  The scientist in me wants to compare the progression and symptoms of our similar illnesses.  The child in me wants to cry.

We’ve scared off my parents, as I suppose they rightfully should be scared – my hacking attack over the phone sealed our fate — so we are alone this Christmas.  Alone and quiet, as we attempt not to disturb the demons within, hoping for healing to come soon.

For a time I was angry; angry with Brian, angry with sickness, angry that I’d already started cleaning and preparing the house, angry that things weren’t going according to plan.  And then I figured the universe was either having a good laugh at my expense or trying to teach me a lesson. So, I settled on the more positive of the two, and attempted to just let go.

Come what may, right? There’s a reason we’re alone today.  It could be that I badly needed the rest.  Maybe we’re preventing my family’s getting sick (I hope we didn’t get anyone on Brian’s side sick last night!).  Maybe this will even lead to a more low-key New Year’s, though I would be sad not to see my friends this New Year’s.

And anyway, we’re not really alone.  Even in sickness, we have each other.  Bowser’s at Brian’s feet.  Link is at mine, and Zelda is curled up right next to me.  . . .  And now Love Actually is on.  I’ve got my various flavored teas to warm my insides, and my romantic Christmas movie to warm my heart and loosen my happy tears.  All is right in the world.

Merry Christmas!

I Can Be Happy? I Can!

I think I’ve been unhappy for so long that I forgot how to be happy.

Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t have a miserable life.  I have my basic needs met: food on the table, a roof over my head, clothes, transportation, etc  I’m not struggling for survival.  And I do fun things.  I’ve gone on trips, watched movies, read great books, been in a musical, and spent time with those I love.  But overall?  I’ve been unhappy.  Very much so.

I never felt like I knew what I wanted to do with my life, and after college I continued on a path that I felt I’d randomly chose, increasingly aimless, heart-less, listless, and eventually frustrated and depressed.

But I didn’t know I could do better, and I was afraid to try.

Until I had to.

Sometimes it takes hitting bottom to quit digging yourself deeper.  When I realized I was coming home depressed, stressed, and/or angry every day, I knew something had to change.  I am thankful for Shaklee, or I know I would have become sick.  And yet even that may not have been enough, but forces within my environment also began pushing me on.  And though I was upset, angry, and resistant to the changes at the time, I am ever so grateful now.

Because I’m beginning to find what happiness is.  For example, I think I actually like teaching.  People kept telling me that I just needed the right situation, that I truly am a teacher.  But I didn’t believe them.  I believed that I was awful, teaching was awful, and the half-hearted decision I’d made on my major those many years ago was awful.

How do I feel now?  Terribly nervous:  “Do I know what I’m doing?” “Can I handle so many different grades? “What will the students be like?” But I’m pleased to notice other feelings also emerging: excitement . . .  contentment.

Can I work and like it?  Yes!

And I can also play.

The little girl who danced around the house to the Nutcracker in her fluffy ballerina skirt now rocks it out to pop, rock, and latin tunes in her kitchen and living room.

The girl who started stories now journals, blogs, and still dreams.

And she’s finding some fun new things to explore, like meditation,  her intuition, and her artistic side.

So, this is the story of the girl who found what she was looking for.  She veered of the path and began to explore the forest.  The girl was scared — the forest was be dark — but then she began to see light through trees.

And then the girl was happy. . .

 

Just Do It — Be Happy!

I am inspired to write this post based on experiences this week, most recently, reading the blog post Get Happy by Amy Keast.  If you get the chance, check out the video she posted, too.  It was different and really interesting.

So, basically, if you’ve been following my blog, you’ve gathered that I’ve been struggling a lot.  A lot of what’s happening around me frustrates me, and I feel afraid and powerless.  My life is at a cross-roads, and sometimes I don’t know where to turn with my frustration and anxiety.  Often I’ve turned to addictions like bad food and beverages, which is presently wreaking havoc on my digestive system.

What I have found interesting, though, is the people and experiences that I have found attracted to me (or perhaps I am attracted to them?)  Although I feel that my thoughts are dark and my perceptions are dismal, I keep finding myself surrounded by happy, hopeful people.  I don’t know if this means I actually do want to be happy and have hope, or if the spiritual force here in our universe is nudging me in that direction.  I think it’s both.

Here’s what I’ve noticed:

1) The people who respond to and like my posts are happy people.  Many of them seem enlightened and/or really creative, and some have recently gotten through a struggle of their own.

2) I’ve been getting some good kicks in the pants from my friend and coworkers, that really make me squirmy inside.  One of my great friends, who somehow always manages to look on the bright side had this phone conversation with me:

Me: “I’m so miserable.  I had an awful day.  I don’t know what to do anymore.”

Her: “What do you think about in the morning?”

Me: “I hate ___________; I hate _______________; I hate _______________”

Her: “Ah, so you’re attracting negative energy to yourself every day.”

Me: “Yep”

Let me say, I believe what has been happening to me has been good.  It has been necessary for my growth process.  And I believe dissatisfaction is necessary for change; it can be the necessary push to get out of a static position and move to the next phase in your life.  However. . .  I also believe I have become one of those people.  I’m one of those who complains all of the time to those I’m close to and drags myself out of bed and through each day.  I remember when I used to be on the other side, observing grouchy people and thinking: “If they only knew that they were drawing this to themselves.”  Because negativity breeds negativity.  In this case, opposites do not attract.   But negativity can also be like a drug.  It is powerful and can give a false feeling of strength, which can become another bad addiction.  I’m not sure I’m ready to give it up yet.  But I know I need to.  I do.

3) Yesterday’s conversation with another co-worker really put me at peace.  This woman has faith, too.  I could feel it flow from her during our conversation.  She told me that I was a great person and that I would be ok.  We would all be ok.  And I could feel she believed it.  She told me that she had always had faith in her God and that God had never let her down.  I realized, as I listened to her, that I had experienced the same.  Though I am no longer religious, I do believe in a spiritual power or energy that encompasses everything in the universe — I feel it would be foolish to deny it because I have felt it and known it.   I don’t know exactly what it is, or how it works, but I know that when I’ve been at the end of my rope, and  I’ve let go, turning myself over to faith, I’ve felt comforted.  I have always come out ok.  But then, the next time I face a challenge, I often forget my previous success and feel the world is falling around me, all over again.

I could write pages on this.  For now, I end with this:  I am inspired by people who have lost their innocence, who have discovered the evils of the world, and who still persevere in faith.  I get choked up, even typing these words.  I feel I walked blindly through most of my life, and I survived that way.  Now that my eyes are open, I must rediscover faith.

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