Posts tagged ‘fear’

Wins and Weaknesses Wednesday: Facing Fears

One of the DreamBuilder lessons  focuses on fear. It suggests doing one thing each day that you fear. I don’t know about you,  but when I look at my “to accomplish” list, a lot of the ones that have been on there for a while are still there because of fear. I just had a great conversation with a Shaklee Master Coordinator,  and the last thing he mentioned was how great leaders are the ones who learned to master their fears.

So, who of you  is ready to become a great leader? I am! Some fears I faced this past week:  calling a chamber group about speaking, contacting a connection’s connection about speaking, strategizing for a new program idea, blogging out of town, strategy sessions, a dream/vision session, and giving my first Table Topics speech.  What are you willing to face today? Start with one! Much love, many blessings! 💖

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Fun Friday: Homeostasis

Image courtesy ofzirconicusso at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy ofzirconicusso at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

On top of the world

Understanding what it all means

In the moment

Appreciating

Excited

At Peace

–Neutrality–

At war within

Fearful

Doubting

Lost in my head

Confused and scattered

At the bottom of the pit

 

In just one day!

Thoughts, Learnings, and Ramblings of the Day

If you were hoping for a coherent, organized blog this evening, you have come to the wrong place. . . but it could still be fun!

  • I am still holding strong with the long hair.  (I’ve had it pixie-cut-short before, and now it’s the longest it has been since grade school.)  I finally drove out to my favorite stylist’s house and got some more layers put into it.  It’s awesome, long and shaggy, and makes me feel beautiful and romantic — until I attempt to run my fingers through it.  I kid you not, once I leave the house, my hair becomes a rat’s nest.  I think it happens as soon as I step over the threshold, really.  I hope it doesn’t LOOK like a rat’s nest, but I can feel at least 3 huge knots in it when I check.  And how romantic is that?  Picture this: there I am, looking lovingly into the eyes of my beloved; he’s holding my chin with one hand; he brushes back my hair with the other hand, going in for the kiss — and his hand gets stuck. Yes, that’s how the movie of my life.  😛
  • What is with the (seemingly unhealthy) obsession with PlayStation4?  I have now heard 3 stories from different people about how “broke” people have gone out and bought the system for themselves.  (Actually, in one case, a boyfriend asked his struggling girlfriend to buy it for him for Christmas.)  What is going on?  I realize gaming is exciting, but have we lost some perspective here?  My parents made me save up for my Nintendo (the first and last system I ever bought and played to DEATH), and I don’t remember struggling with the wait. That is all.  I’m just baffled.
  • There are some beautiful metaphysical posts I read from my wordpress reader.  Some things weren’t labeled “metaphysical” but still magically fit right in with what I’ve been reading/studying!   (Amazing how the universe ties things together!)  I’d like to take a look at my reader more often, as long as I don’t get sucked in, like I did tonight.  This week I want to do a search for “metaphysical”/”metaphysics” and find more people to follow.
  • Facebook is still addictive and needs a leash.  I’m happy I even got this post in tonight. That is all.
  • Continuing with my emotions theme, today I pondered my fear of authority.  I know this phenomenon is not limited to myself; I see every processor in the warehouse freeze up (to different degrees) when I come by with a book, and many have spoken of their fear of their superiors.  So, is my fear connected to my place of work?  Or does it go deeper?  If it comes from my parents, I must have blocked it from my memory.  I was a goody-two-shoes in school, reprimanded only twice that I can remember, and both incidences were for forgetting homework.  Did it come from my experience with my cooperating teacher when I was a student teacher?  I probably have some repressed emotions there.  Or from a teaching position?  I did experience fear at some points there.  I’m not really sure where it comes from, but I find the fear unproductive and would like to do some exploring and healing when it comes up again.
  • It is amazing how quickly I broke out this evening after eating ice cream.  I think my breakouts were in a race against my tangling hair.  It is nearly impossible for me not to finish an already-started pint of ice cream, if I am aware that it is waiting for me in the freezer.  My Chocolate  Oreo Volcano was delicious — and I am glad it’s finished!
  • I finally got my book read!  Power vs. Force was fantastic!  I need to write about it for homework, so I may use that as my post for tomorrow.
  • I have yet to finish my collage.  I am going to start cutting out pictures as soon as I finish this post and until Brian makes me go to bed. 🙂
  • I have been cutting media out of my life but have just agreed to start watching Battlestar Galactica again, since a wonderful person who I hardly ever see hasn’t seen it and wants to watch it with us.  An excuse to spend time with people I love?  I think this could work.
  • I want to spend more time with people.  First, because people are awesome, and second, because I know hanging with people is great for my spiritual growth.  I think the only way to do this is to actually schedule things in, like my one of my friends did with her awesome vegetarian dinner get-together.  I need a goal, like visiting with at least one friend per week.  It would be great if I could make space for more than that. . .
  • Brian has not come after me yet, so I will continue: I have 3 books from the library that I keep renewing because they are at the bottom of my “To Do” list.  I am afraid I will have had them for 9 weeks without reading them, and this distresses me, because I do actually want to read them, but apparently not enough to read them instead of getting sucked into Facebook.  Priorities.  I may need to ditch Facebook someday.  There’s some useful stuff on Facebook, though: informative stuff, stuff that makes me laugh, inspiration, etc.  Plus people put events on there all the time that I don’t want to miss.  There must be a happy medium somewhere.
  • I just remembered that I was going to start cutting out pictures for my collage.  I will start this now.  Please enjoy this random, happy picture of an adorable baby (so I can squeeze a photo into this post):
    Image courtesy of Clare Bloomfield / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

    Image courtesy of Clare Bloomfield / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

    Or if you find babies unappealing, perhaps you will enjoy the little rubber ducklings.  If those are also repulsive to you, you may appreciate the softness of the blanket that reminds you of your favorite Linus-like blankie.  If you don’t like babies or ducklings or soft blankets, may I draw your attention to the blank purity of the background?  And if you don’t like babies or cute duckies or blankets or stillness, I’m honestly not  sure why you’re still reading this blog.

  • Wait!  One more thing.  Writing of babies, does anyone else who is metaphysical/believes in reincarnation, etc have a fascination with babies?  Like seriously, I get all excited when I see a baby now (not like I wasn’t before, but even more so!)  I find myself trying to be all telepathic, like, “Hey, you!  What was it like there?  How awesome that you’re not corrupted by the conscious mind yet!  So, what are you thinking?  Hey, why did you choose to be here???”  And since I have not yet mastered the art of speaking telepathically with babies, we just sorta look at each other, with the same wide-eyed wonder and amazement.  And then, we share a beautiful smile. 🙂

I Second That Emotion: Fear (of Rejection)

Image courtesy of Andy Newson / FreeDigitalPhotos.net".

Image courtesy of Andy Newson / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

Emotions are the gateway to our subconscious.  (So, don’t ignore them!)

This past week I had an extreme emotional reaction at work.  I’m not quite clear on what the catalyst was, but it had something to do with me worrying I had come across as goofy and that people were talking about me.  My perspective restricted and I was frozen in fear: “OH MY GOD” I thought, “What if NO ONE likes me??

Suddenly, I was back in high school, reliving some adolescent fear.  And then I stopped for a minute and thought, “Well, this is probably extreme.  I’m sure they’re not even talking about me.”  And then, “Well, what IF no one liked me . . .  what then?”  I recognized that this reaction tied right into my intuitive health analysis.  I mean, there it was, staring my right in my face — dependency on acceptance and a fear of rejection.   I still need to learn self-acceptance and self-empowerment.

I thought about this a bit.  Mostly because I had other related thoughts pop into my head last week.  Memories of rejection surfaced from my elementary school age.  One was of a neighbor friend I used to play with, who joined the popular crowd one day. After one day at the playground, I quickly got the vibe that I was an unwanted tag-a-long.  That day I took away that I wasn’t popular.   And then there is another friend, family, who I’ve loved very, very much.  As girls,  we were inseparable when we were together.  But when apart, she couldn’t be found.  Letters drifted off.  E-mails didn’t get responses. And I didn’t understand why.  From that experience I took away that I was not worthy of someone’s time.

And now?  What can I learn from these?  Though these events are long past, the opportunity for learning is never lost, as long as our memory still serves.  So, first of all, I can remember and recognize my feelings.  I can recognize my fear of rejection, bring up those experiences and sit with them for a while, not suppressing those emotions (also without lingering in them).

And then:  What is my new learning?  As an adult, I can address the people I love and try to heal the breach.  I can express my emotion, rather than burying it in resentment (to be experienced again later, anyway).   Also, I can learn that my well-being doesn’t depend on the real or imagined acceptance or rejection of others.   I can center myself, allowing illumination and experiencing the love of I AM. I need to love and accept myself.  Loving myself is critical to my well-being.  I desire to feel compassion and love for myself in all things, recognizing that I am spirit who is living, learning (sometimes struggling!), and evolving in the physical.  And I desire to be compassionate and loving to the rest of creation.

Are We Uncomfortable Yet?

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net".

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

I grew up avoiding anything uncomfortable. As a sensitive person, I shied from conflict, from activities that seemed way too difficult. They were scary! When I became an adult, I learned that being uncomfortable was sometimes unavoidable, and when I became a student of Metaphysics, I learned that being uncomfortable meant a learning opportunity.

So now, instead of embracing my old fall-back, the good ol’  “flight” response, I’m reluctantly turning back and opening myself up to whatever the universe has rustled up for my learning pleasure.  Change means growth, insight, enlightenment!  Fear means stagnation.

This week I have been facing one of my most uncomfortable subjects: asking for money.  I’m having a Night of Dreaming fundraiser event for the School of Metaphysics (Dream Bingo, dream interpretation, general good times), and I volunteered to come along when asking for food donations.  This — to my horror — turned into me doing it all on my own the first few times.   And I’ve survived and also realized 3 important things:

#1 Telling me “What’s the worst that could happen?” is absolutely NOT helpful to me because my mind it pretty good at coming up with every single conceivable scenario to answer that question.  (I could write an encyclopedia filled with loads of worst possible scenarios with glossy graphic photos, to boot.)  So, actually, what I really need is the prompt: “What’s the best thing that could happen?”, going along with my 10 Most Wanted List goal of changing my negative thoughts to positive ones.

#2 Actually, this has been a great win-win learning experience for me.  Obvious win: they say “Yes!” and we have food for our event — Yay! Subtle win: they say “No,” and I can take pride in having the guts to actually ask, while recognizing that the world hasn’t actually collapsed upon me through this rejection.

#3 Asking for a food donation the week before the event is not the best way to go, as many places now want 30-days notice of a fundraising event, so that they can figure out if you’re actually legit and also place you in the pecking order among all the other needy food donation candidates. (Now I know!)

So, am I uncomfortable?  Yes!  Still!  But each time has gotten a little easier.  I’m gritting my teeth, but I’m loving the growth.

Next uncomfortable topi, coming soon: asking for attendance.

Prayin’ on a Life

"Beautiful Young Carefree Women Relaxing" courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“Beautiful Young Carefree Women Relaxing” courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“I’m alive, and I’m healthy; I’m alive, and I’m healthy; I’m alive and I’m healthy; I’m alive . . .”

That was my mantra a few hours ago.  I feel I’m being tested, and I’m afraid I’m failing.  What I need is a little faith and hope, and sometimes I have it, but most times I’m just scared.  These past years I’ve changed, little-by-little, and this past year I’ve really left my comfort zone.  I recently told someone about my changing situation, and she responded: “What an adventure!”  I was a bit stunned, but then I thought about it.

Yes, indeed!  Adventure!  Aren’t I an adventurous person?  Don’t I crave new experiences?  So, shouldn’t I be excited?  I could be excited.  I know the choice is mine.  I can wallow in self-pity and fear, imaging the world is going to come crashing down on me.  Or I can have faith that the universe has something wonderful in store for me.  Maybe not this year, but then again, maybe this year!  Why not?

If I begin to fear and despair I will remember this:  I’m alive.  I’m healthy.  I have food to eat.  I have water to drink.  Clothes on my back.  A shelter over my head.  Healthy friends and family.  People who love me.  In this moment, all is well.  And in this moment.  And in this moment.  And this moment. . . .

Since I’ve Been Gone

“Woman in Discomfort” courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I miss spring break.  And my week of happiness. I really do.  I had thought it didn’t feel different.  I thought this week went by quickly.  And it did.  I was surprised by how quickly this week actually went by.  But the stress has been crazy.  My face was almost completely clear last week, and this week it is destroyed. Make-up free?  Not a chance now.  Sunday evening and Monday morning I was overwhelmed with the mounting anticipation of the week, exhibited through stomach-clenching stress and undulating tremors of fear.

As usual I had worked myself up way more than was necessary, but I couldn’t believe what a difference I’d experienced between last week’s in-the-moment week and the never-ending constant stress and fear of this week.  Am I exaggerating?  Yes.  But there was a noticeable difference.

I did have some great moments this week that helped me appreciate teaching.  An activity that went well.  A bond made with a student.  A compliment from another.  For a while I questioned why I wanted to leave teaching.  And then the weekend hit, and I became obsessed with worry about grading and planning, and that’s when I remembered a big part of why I didn’t want to be a teacher anymore.

I’m scared now.  I don’t know what’s going to happen with me.  With my life.  I thought about music therapy.  Now I’m considering dance/movement therapy, and I’m still interested in different types of healing.  But my doubts plague me.  I know I could be excited about all of this.  I should be excited.  The last thing I need is to be attracting more fear in my life!  But even when I can shut off my own protective, critical voice, I hear concern in the voices of others.  Why would I consider leaving a job when I’m not sure of its replacement? Isn’t this a bad economy?  Don’t I need money?  Education costs money!  How will you get by?

Everything will be fine.  I know it will.  I will not join the panhandlers near the highway (although I’ve imagined discussing it with them).  I will not starve.  I will find a way.  I know that I should appreciate what I have.  I also know that I can’t settle for what I have.  I have settled for years, trying to reason and work through the unpleasantness until the unhappiness consumed and corrupted every piece of me.  I will not fall into that trap again.  Nor do I want to leap from the flame to the blade.  I will be happy.  It’s time to move on.  But where?  And how?

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