Posts tagged ‘enlightenment’

Fun Friday: Sun Poem

Image courtesy of Serge Bertasius / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Serge Bertasius / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

This morning
I bowed my head
to the sun
in all its glory.

But it bid me rise,
for I, too,
am called to be a light
for the world.

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You’ve Got Me Feelin’ Emotions

"Image courtesy of hyena reality / FreeDigitalPhotos.net".

Image courtesy of hyena reality / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

Emotions of the Day: Fear/Paranoia and Anger

Disclaimer: These are not the only emotions I had today, thank goodness — they are just the ones that I would like to learn from!

I had a mini-epiphany today and experienced a bit of euphoria.  I’d like to get it back!  I was feeling paranoid and fearful again today at work.  And I said to myself: “Ok.  Why is this coming up over and over again?  If emotions are the subconscious trying to tell us something , what is the lesson here?  One of the metaphysics lessons I was reviewing talked about recognizing negative affirmations and then directing the mind in a positive direction.  So, what did I want, then?  I imagined myself having a “Whatever” reaction to people I interacted with, in situations that were normally uncomfortable.  I realized this did not resonate with me.  It felt like I would be closing off.  What about loving myself?  And being happy with myself?  Sure, sure.  That sounds great.

Then, something clicked.  I’m not sure what it was, but I got it.  Loving myself, and accepting myself, while at the same time projecting that love out to whoever I was interacting with.  A “Self, I love you, just because you are” at the same time as a “Wow, hey, and I really love you!” to whoever had approached me.  Suddenly I felt like the my vision had expanded and I could see more of my surroundings.  Everything looked brighter, as if someone had turned the lights up a notch.  I think I had a taste of what enlightenment would feel like.  Gradually, it faded, but it gave me hope.  Maybe my insecure feelings are actually leading me right to my ideal (unconditional love for self and others) and my purpose (self empowerment).  I am exactly where I need to be.

Would love to stop there, but we humans can experience a lot of emotions in one day!  It can be hard to digest it all sometimes.  On the very same day as my euphoria, I experienced a bout of anger.  (I was angry earlier this week and tried the ice  suggestions from my lesson — ice packs are all I  actually had — the cold on my temples and the back of the head by the medulla oblongata, and that really works!)  I don’t feel like I had a big epiphany with this one, but I did acknowledge my emotion and recognize it as a need to express myself, and then eventually express it.  Pobrecito, Brian, but he is an excellent teacher for me!  The important thing is not to let the anger carry me, to take a step back, cool down, and work with the thoughts behind the emotions.    Also, I’m still working on addressing my anger sooner, when it’s still a little pocket of anger, as opposed to my jumbo-size garbage bag of  anger, that stretches and then explodes.

A lot of learning again today. I look forward to some great dreams tonight!

Simple Pleasures

Image courtesy of foto76 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of foto76 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I’ve been struggling quite a bit with changes in my life and trying to visualize how I want things to be (even last night I was practically falling asleep during my visualization exercise).  In the meantime I’m trying to find enjoyment in the present moments as I can.  Here are  15 highlights from last week:

  • I accidentally left my hair down at work because I left my ponytail holder in the car, forgetting to grab it after I meditated.  It actually turned out just fine.  My hair didn’t get in my way, and I gloried in my femininity, enjoying the movie star effect every time I walked by a big fan, as my hair swirled up behind me.
  • I got to ride in a warehouse cart.  Work was making some kind of system change and had us reapply for direct deposit.  One of the managers was rounding up people and taking them from the warehouse to the office, and since I was first, I got a quick buggy ride.  What a rush!  Same day as my hair being down, so again, I felt the swish of air in my hair.  If I’d been anywhere else but work I might have clapped my hands and giggled in my delight.
  • I shared about metaphysics.  I found out a few months back that one of my coworkers shared my enthusiasm for biking; later I discovered that he was spiritual, too.  He’s asked me about my class before, and last week he was asking some fairly detailed questions.  I found my excitement growing as I shared my knowledge and personal experience with spirituality.  I was getting so enthusiastic, I thought I might scare him!  However, we wants to talk about it more this week.
  • I chit-chatted in Spanish!  There are some really awesome people at the warehouse — they really are the best part of the job — and one of them asked me about my past, and I guess I’d mentioned that I taught Spanish last year.  He told one of the processors, and she struck up a conversation with me in the bathroom. 🙂  It felt so good to use it again and also to make a new friend.  Lesson 9 in metaphysics class was about meeting new people and making new friends, and I realized that there are SO many people in the warehouse!
  • I got to be a little teacher-y and left some cutsie sticky notes on some of the processors’ tables.  My job is frustrating sometimes because my job is to check-in the carts of the processors, and every processor is different, and many of them are new,  so many mistakes are made, and that really adds a lot of stress to my work.  One of the things that is helpful is if the processors fold over the ruined pages of books (ripped, water damaged, or full of writing), so I can see why they’ve put those books aside on the cart.  Instead of getting super upset when people didn’t fold over there book pages, I decided I was going to write mini-thank you notes to those who did it: “Thank you for folding over the pages of your No Values! 🙂 🙂 🙂 ”  And I got some positive responses from it.  I may try something similar next week. 🙂
  • Peace. One of my tutoring jobs is stressing me out a bit, but yesterday, in the midst of some of the stress, I had a mini-epiphany and felt complete peace.  I wish I could remember what is was because the stress came back in full force later!
  • I heard the sound of silence.  Silence has a sound!  Maybe it’s actually some specific sound that I wasn’t aware of before, but I heard it in the car when I meditated.  (I’ve discovered that I cannot meditate before bed, as suggested — I get sleepy and antsy!  But meditating in the car while I wait to punch in has been a great experience for me.  Compared to my upstairs bedroom with the noise of highway traffic coming from the windows, my car is like a sound vacuum.  And that’s where I first heard the sound of silence.  But tonight, when I meditated in that bedroom, I heard it again.  And then I heard it a bit during the candle activity, too!
  • Pumpkin pancakes! My eating has been all messed up since my jobs have been changing, and my new position is moderately physical, and I’ve lost a lot of weight and have been really hungry.  I’ve concluded that I need to spend more time with food, and for lunch today I made pumpkin pancakes from the Trader Joe mix, and Brian made some super scrumptious eggs and hash browns.  I was one, full, super-satisfied lady. 🙂
  • Play.  In the middle of a math game with one of my students on Saturday I realized: “Hey!  I’m playing at work!”  I tried a new multiplication math board game, and she loved it and wanted to do it again next week.  And the best part is we both had fun!
  • Faced my Fears. As mentioned in my previous post, I pushed through some uncomfortableness this past week and learned how to ask for what I needed — and it wasn’t bad!
  • 1771 — Got this twice at the exact same time from my two different odometers (107701 and 177.1)!  According to Joanne Sacred Scribes, these numbers mean I’m on the right track and thinking good thoughts.  This is great news from my angels!  It also reminds me to be grateful to the universe.  Will do!
  • Dreaming about ghosts.  I’m dreaming more again, which is a good sign that I’m reconnecting with my subconscious.  I get frustrated, though, when I can’t figure out what the symbols mean or how they fit together.  I had a pretty wacky dream this weekend with ghosts in it, and though I didn’t understand it, my School of Metaphysics dream dictionary said it has something to do with the inner levels of consciousness and that I may want to study out-of-body experiences and astral projection to gain conscious knowledge of my whole self.  Cool!!
  • Danced with my sister. I keep wanting to dance, but I don’t make some time for it.  I keep telling myself to just put some music on and dance around the house, or else work out to Zumba.  Finally, I got some dancing in at my cousin’s wedding last Friday.  My sister and I were the first ones to arrive at the reception, and some alternating Sinatra and Buble were playing on the speakers in the incredibly gorgeous Crystal Gardens of Navy Pier.  My sister and I took advantage of the privacy and twirled away, her royal blue skirt, and my echnicolored-Joseph-y skirt swishing, as we flitted about the floor, jumping fountains splishing and splashing around us.
  • Heard my all-time favorite reading. 1 Corinthians 13 — amazing reading.  If you’ve been to many weddings, and you’re a feminist like me, I’m sure you’ve heard that particular reading or two that has made you either cringe or want to punch through a wall.  Thankfully, my cousin did not pick those particular readings for her wedding. Instead, I found myself extremely moved, wiping at my eyes with my hands and my shawl, when I heard the entirety of my favorite Bible chapter read aloud in that enormous cathedral.  I still have not completely made peace with my Catholic upbringing, but this experience certainly helped.  I decided right there that I was going to type up that passage and post it on my wall next to my dream board.  I was truly inspired.
  • Understood why I cry every time I read The Giving Tree.  That is my absolute favorite book, and taking a Childrens Multicultural Literature class for my masters nearly ruined it for me. (Some critic related the story to the plight of women and society’s demand that they give and give without receiving in return.)  Today I understood why the story is so enchanting for me.  Because this has been my struggle and my focus: giving and receiving.  I have trouble giving; I have trouble receiving; and my intuitive report added a further dimension to this realization when it revealed my resentment of forced giving or unappreciated giving.  Here, in this story, the tree epitomizes the perfect giver.  She is a Jesus figure, ready to give everything she has, even parts of herself, without expecting a thing in return.  And she is happy, just to be able to do this.  This is something I have yet to understand or be able to do, but I recognize how powerful and beautiful it is.  This is something I know I must aspire to if I hope to reach enlightenment.

I’m looking forward to my discoveries for next week!

10 Most Wanted List

IMG_0176Part of my exercises for The School of Metaphysics education include a “10 Most Wanted” list of things that I really want for myself.  This list can fluctuate (as the person changes), but this is what I have right now and how I’m progressing on each one:

These are numbered by importance, starting with #1 as most important.

1. Play time. This one has been the most difficult for me and the one I want the most.  I’m always thinking about what I need to do work-wise, and I’m not giving myself enough time to play.  I’ve found that I even try to structure my playtime!  But what’s helping is noticing ways that I “play” throughout the day that I may not even have been aware of.  I heard from somewhere that I need to play more with little children.  I think that’s true.  I also think I need to just sit down and rock out old school with some coloring books and My Little Ponies, partying like it’s 1985.

2. Art time. Ah, just as elusive.  And this one I tend to structure.  I’m still technically taking that art class from Coursera, but I’ve danced around it because it seems like a huge time commitment and a lot of work.  My plan is to veer away from the structure of the class and just dabble.  Watch the videos that interest me and pick a project that feels doable and just PLAY.  Back to play again. 🙂  Notice I’ve given these two spots top priority.  And they are STILL a challenge.

3. Sacred Space. This means I’m trying to keep the spaces that I’m in looking nice, i.e. home, work, and car.  I started with my car and cleaned out everything extraneous — I left a basket/purse with tutoring stuff in there and my sunglasses — and then I dusted and vacuumed.  Much better.  Then I cleaned up the desk space at work where I tutor.  Much better.  The house has been more of a challenge.  I’ve reorganized the main floor space.  The kitchen table is now my official play and workspace.  My end table is organized with magazine holders.  The kitchen counter stays clean, the dishes are less out-of-control, and I’m keeping up with the litterbox on a daily basis.  My next big project is the office.  The floor of the office is clean, and my shelves are fine, but I’ve got to wade through all of my papers.  I want to go through old files and then file the new stuff.  I may have more paperwork to work with this year, so I want to make sure my organizational system is already in place.  And then there’s cleaning the rest of the house.  I need to come up with some system/habit to maintain overall cleanliness of the house: dusting, defurring, vacuuming, washing the kitchen floor, wiping down surfaces, washing the wood floor, vacuuming stairs and upstairs, cleaning the bathroom, sweeping the basement, etc.  And then there’s also the difficulty in sharing space and involving your partner in your efforts. . .

4. $2500 a month.  This one is the hardest one for me to even think about, and not just because I’m in the midst of transition and honing in on the job direction I’m actually taking next, but because I’m concerned that more money possibly = more work, and that conflicts with my numbers 1 and 2, and probably a lot of the rest of my list.  Regardless, I’m pretty tight with my budget right now — squeezed thin, really — and I want to be able to travel more, donate more, and generally do more of the things on my list.  So, I’m keeping my eyes on the prize, and dealing with the queasy feeling in my stomach.

5. Enlightenment. I feel that I am meant for something big.   I’m not sure what that is yet, but I want to make a huge difference.  I want to rock the socks of this world.  And now that I’m typing this, I feel like I’ve gotten off course.  BUT, they say that you can lead others by example (like St. Francis) So, I want to become enlightened so that others can also become enlightened.  And I’m doing this through the School of Metaphysics.  And also by trying not to multi-task, working on staying present.

6. Work clothes. I had a post some time ago about certain garments that were just not comfortable for me.  I have yet to solve that problem.  I have gotten some helpful advice that I eventually intend to follow-up on that will however inevitably end up costing great expense.  (See #4.)  Also, I’ve been wanting to go to Goodwill for sometime to beef up my spring work clothes.  My pants and skirts are sufficient (although I don’t like wearing the black pants.  I don’t know how, but black attracts 10 times as much cat fur as any other color.  Or else the other colors just camouflage it.  I shudder at the thought.)  But, anyway, most of my tops are long-sleeved.  And I don’t have a lot that will work with my skirts.  I also badly need a pair of summer shoes, but I will be forced to do some specific department store shopping for those because of my narrow, flat feet. (Again, see #4.)

7. Etsy skirts. My super awesome students/families from my previous employment gave me some generous gifts, so I finally used them to buy some Etsy skirts (which I feel more comfortable buying from than from department stores).  The skirts are gorgeous, and I’m super-excited. (I spent hours pouring over the site to pick the ones I liked best.)  So, you may think I should take this off my list, then, right?  I’ve decided I like having it on there.  It will take some time before the skirts actually make it to me anyway, and by that time I may be able to afford more! 🙂

8. Fish tank. One day when I walked into the pet store to get food and litter I saw a fish tank display and decided I wanted one.  I had a ten gallon back when I was a kid, and I really enjoyed having fish.  I actually cleared off our kitchen counter to make the perfect little spot for it under the cabinets (making it less accessible for the cats).  I’m thinking a 30-gallon tank will fit in there, so now I’m just waiting for the right opportunity.

9. Mortgage paid. I hate being in debt.  I suppose it’s fairly normal, but I still don’t think it’s ideal, so I want that mortgage paid off.  Circumstances aren’t the best for it right now, but I intend to get it done.

10. Bike 100 miles (in one day). I’m pretty excited about this one.  I put it low on my list because I won’t actually do it until September when I participate in the Door County Century.  However, I have a systematic plan to get there, and I’m already up to 38 miles in one day from when Brian and I biked yesterday.  (Last year I biked 70 miles in the Door County Century, so this goal is reasonable for me.)

So, these are my “10 Most Wanted.”  I keep the multicolored list on an index card in my purse and look at them at least once a day.  What would you put on your list?

Precious Moments

"My Family" courtesy of AKARAKINGDOMS/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“My Family” courtesy of AKARAKINGDOMS/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I’ve been going through a transition and have struggled with feeling stuck and lost without a purpose.  Some of the speakers talked about how the universe is shifting and how what I’m going through is normal.  That’s a relief.  The whole thing has been very difficult for a sensitive, emotional person like me.  I can’t compare myself to anyone else, because I don’t have the ability to climb into their brains, but the rolling emotions, especially the low lows have been hard for me.  Sometimes I don’t know why I feel as I do and don’t know what to do with my depressed emotions.  I do what I can: I improve my diet, I exercise, I distract myself, I look on the bright side, and I have special moments like last night when I take notice of how completely happy I am.

Last night I played dominoes with my grandma, Mom, Dad, my sister, and Brian, and I was all happiness.  No sadness or worry.  Some of you may be thinking: “Dominoes?  People even play that anymore?  That makes you happy?”  I don’t know what to tell you; I used to think the same way.  But I have the best time playing with this group, and I won’t forget it.  Those are moments to remember and live for.  People have told me that you can’t be happy all of the time.  I think you can. Or you can much of the time, depending on how enlightened you are, how at peace you are with yourself and within yourself.  But I think it’s true that for most people it is very difficult.  And I think I will add to my toolbox (a term I got from my psychotherapist long ago) the “This Too Shall Pass” wisdom saying.  All of the other stuff and techniques are  good, too –like the sacred place in our minds (mine’s by the ocean) — but sometimes you’re just wallowing in the muck and feeling stuck there, and you just got to make it through, knowing it won’t last forever.  Sad times pass, just as the happy ones do.  The cycle continues.  Lessons are learned.  Life moves on.

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