Posts tagged ‘emotions’

Pride Comes Before the Shame

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Today I was thinking about something I learned recently about pride and shame.  It always amazes me how everything is connected.  One of the students from the School of Metaphysics was talking about the emotional doorways when we were eating lunch at the “Your 12 Sacred Relationships” workshop in Countryside.  One of the other students had been talking about leos and pride, and this student spoke about how shame is on the opposite end of pride.  Humility is in the middle.  If someone has an inclination toward pride, this person will also experience shame at some point.  The goal is to return to balance, to be in humility.

Yesterday my hackles were raised.  I became angry.  My thoughts became dark and vengeful and tantrum-like.  This was hard for me as I was experiencing this because I have a lot more knowledge now.   I knew what was going on.  I knew how strong my ego was clinging to pride and to outdated modes of thinking.  I also knew that thought is energy and can be destructive as much as creative.  Have you ever experienced having a dark moment, and then “everything goes wrong”?  This was happening to me, too, and I knew I was attracting it.  Bad traffic.  Bumping my head.  Things not working properly.  I knew at least one of the lessons I had missed.  And I knew it was going to come back.  And I hated this.  And the emotions continued.

It’s not great to go to bed unsettled, unresolved.  But life goes on.  Today is a new day.  I’m better able to reflect.  I have indeed been chipping away at my life lessons.  I will continue.  I am reminded from the workshop yesterday that virgos tend to get intensely focused on individual things and believe the world is ending if things aren’t going right.  So far the world is not ending.  Today is a good day.  I also felt ashamed of some of my reactions yesterday.  And I remembered a good friend who had experienced similar pride and shame.  I now have more compassion for him.  And remembering him, I’m able to move a little better through mine.  This morning I repeated to myself: “I forgive myself.”  “I forgive others.”  “I forgive myself.”  “I forgive others. . . .”  I’m remembering that every part of me IS me.  It is not all of me, but it is an aspect of me, and I may never be my “best” me  — or True Self — all of the time.  And that’s ok.  Life goes on.  More things make sense.  More lessons are learned.  Things always work out.

Image courtesy of stockimages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Exploring my Emotions

ID-100134250I’m learning about my ego and the many aspects of my self. I thought I was just going to have a journey into letting myself experience my emotions and speaking my truth, being transparent. But I’ve gotten more than what I asked for (not a happy surprise – but great for growth!)

I’m learning about myself through other people, not just through self-exploration. I thought that I was just going to explore strong emotions. I was going to let myself feel the fear/anxiety and be present and feel reactions from other people. This has happened. I’ve realized that sometimes I don’t do things because of the physical reactions I have to fear and to rejection. It’s the physical (bodily) feelings that I am most anxious about. They are uncomfortable and I don’t know what to do with them once I have them.

But I also discovered (surprise, surprise) that some of what I was afraid of from other people was actually a projection of myself. For example, I had an interaction with a person that resulted in a huge angry reaction. It was good for me to be in the moment and to experience this emotion. I continue to feel the aftereffects of my fear in regards to this situation and what may occur in the future. (I need to remember to stay in the present moment.)

However, what I consider as the bigger epiphany came from talking with my partner. When I shared about my experience with the angry person and how I learned to be present and feel and how I learned to both accept and allow my feelings and also learned to allow the other person to feel what she was feeling – he told me to now flip that circumstance around. And then I would understand what happens when I get angry around him. This felt like a kick to the stomach. I had no idea how I might be affecting him. I was just so used to my anger and the patterns that I have developed. I now began to reflect on how I joke about how my partner takes the brunt of my emotions. I asked him if he could feel my emotions inside his body, and I was surprised to learn that he does. The anger that I’m afraid of from other people . . . is also an anger that I hold within myself. I began to reflect on the duality of my existence. Everyone thinks I’m “sweet” because I am Jekyll to most people. And my partner gets my other extreme – the built up, pent up “Hyde”.

So, this is how I want to apply this to my life. What I applied and was the most effective was 1. Being in the moment. When I began to fear possibly events in the future — particularly happenings involving other people — I realized that I was having imaginings without having any idea of the place the other person was in. The best thing to do is stay present in what I’m doing and stay present in the event that I’m anticipating. 2. Surrender. I imagined having my heart and actually my whole self fully open. Like lying back with my arms out and my torso completely open. Like, “Hey, world, this is me! Take me as I am!” 3. Recognize judgments as they surface. Recognize them and identify them as unproductive. Accept and allow my experience, accept and allow the experience of others. And not presume that I know what’s going on with other people. 4. Receive first. Receive from the other person. Know where they are coming from, what they need. Relate.

That is all for now.

Image courtesy of Aduldej at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Metaphysics Monday: Rollercoaster Emotions

Image courtesy of markuso / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of markuso / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Lately our metaphysics teacher has been surprising us with her responses to our experiences during the week.  Feeling upset?  Great!  Resistant?  Fantastic!  Struggling with your exercises?  Good!  I imagine she will same something similar about the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on this past week.  I think her point was that sometimes we experience things in extremes to get a sense of  the extremes of duality, which helps guide us toward our center.  Also, the stirred up emotional turmoil signals a change is coming on, and the School of Metaphysics is all about change and growth.

I’m struggling with self-empowerment today.  That is my current focus, and I still find myself seeking answers from others, not trusting myself.  I want to know that everything will be alright.  I don’t want to make a mistake.  And I want to be positive.  I really do.  This morning I even told myself “T L C!”  (Thinking positively, Love, and Concentration.)  I started off the day energetic and determined to do my best.  And yet by the end of the work day my shoulders were sloped, and I was angry, frustrated, and depressed.  My ego had pulled the gray cloud the rest of the way around me, and I felt like this “positive-thinking” person was just me  pretending to be somebody I was not.  I called Brian, and voiced what I believed.  “I am a negative thinker.  I don’t trust myself.  I will never find a job that makes me happy.”  “Fake it ’til you make it” just sounded completely ridiculous right then.   Then I had a tutoring session with a student that had moved from Sundays to Monday nights, and driving home after the session I stopped for a moment, checked in with myself, and realized I was now in a happy state, peaceful even.  I had a glimmer of hope again.

I do not know what the exact answer is to what I’m looking for.  But something inside tells me that I need completion with this, and I need it something fierce.   This is my chance to believe in myself, to make a clear decision and run with it.  And if it doesn’t work, run with something else.  I still feel I need a little more information, a little more faith, and then I’m going to leap — and fly.

Memory Monday: Quickening of Soul Progression

“How has the study and application of metaphysics quickened my soul’s progression?”

The first step towards change is awareness. My experiences through the School of Metaphysics have first given me a foundation of understanding. I now know of the Akashic records and the power of thought. I know that we are not the physical body, and that we have a Creator. In know how to meditate, what if feels like to be fully present, and what it feels like not to be fully present. I understand the purpose of dreams. I know the importance of emotions.

I am more aware of myself. I am more aware of my food addictions. I recognize my discomfort with my emotions. I experience my insecurity and my desire for positive feedback and reinforcement from others. I know that I am hard on myself. I perceive how critical I am of others. I notice my tendency toward negative thinking. I know that I seek self-empowerment and to be unconditionally loving.

And I have begun to develop myself. I took on the concept of divine friendship and am overcoming my fear of talking with others. I am less attached to the physical world. I am learning not to run away, to no longer use alcohol to drown out my emotions and I’m beginning to notice when I begin to take on the victim role, seeking to complain less and take more responsibility.  I am more aware of my thoughts in general, deciding which I want to focus on and which are unproductive.  I am a more attentive listener. I find things more easily, and I am remembering more – people’s names, things people have said, etc. I am developing my leadership skills through being the Dream Awareness Coordinator, through teaching a class, and through working with other students on student weekends and in creative projects.

I am beginning to see where I am going. I have more direction and purpose in my activities. I have identified my desires and check to see how I’m making progress toward them.

I can see where I will grow. I wish to deepen my relationship with God and strengthen my, faith, hope, and positivity. I wish to always serve for the sake of the greater good. I intend to increase my openness and communication with others, sharing knowledge and anticipating miracles. I want to express more of my emotions; I wish to continue to observe the interactions of others and to learn how to always communicate with love. I intend to trust myself and strengthen my intuition. — I want to be best friends with my subconscious. I wish to forgive and love myself and others just because we are, and I wish to be secure enough in myself that I can be more present with others. I want to become a master of time, to be a manifester, a creator, and to be love incarnate.

Thankful Thursday: Found!, Sunny Coworker, Emotional Challenges, and Art

Found!

I am organized but not perfectly neat.  I like to say: “Ask me for something, and I can find it for you — but give me 5 minutes.”  The car, the kitchen table, and the office are areas that tend to build up a bit until I freak out and go on a cleaning rampage, and losing something can speed up that process.  Unfortunately, I may also lose my mind; it’s like I have a fragile but functional Jenga organizational system, and if you pull a block out, my sense of sanity comes crashing down.  I was missing 4 items, and suddenly I needed them.  They were my Dreamer’s Dictionary, and my 3 CDs of intuitive reports – Past Life, Health Analysis, and Past Life Crossing.  I needed the dictionary for a creative art project I was to complete tonight at the school.  I needed the Past Life Crossing CD to lend to a classmate for her creative project.  I found the book in my office, and the 3 CDs were actually in the car, stuck between the seats.  Order is restored.  The world is right again.

Sunny Coworker

My coworkers are awesome.  It is truly the best, best part of my job.  And I am so grateful to the School of Metaphysics for reaching me to find friends everywhere because now I am privileged to know some beautiful people.  Today I highlight a coworker who calls himself a pessimist and cynical — and maybe he is — but who somehow always brightens my day.  Today I was struggling through another bout of emotional turmoil, and he picked up on it immediately and commented on it, saying I was either sad or angry, based on the reddish hue of my face. (I insisted it could have been sunburn but was impressed nonetheless.) I confided I was working through some things, and he offered sympathy.  And that made all the difference in the world: my light venting and his matching empathy.  So often I’m amazed how simple interactions with others can flipflop my mood from depression to joy in a matter of seconds.

Emotional Challenges

I still feel like the world is ending when I go though my emotional roller coasters.   In the past I would want to have some wine.  I would want to have a candy bar.  I would want someone to comfort me and take care of me.  Since I have given up alcohol and am trying to cut back on the vending machine — and the machine wouldn’t accept my taped dollar anyway — and I’m trying to be more self-sufficient — I’ve felt my emotions more keenly and haven’t known what to do with them.  Sometimes I just want them to go away!  But beneath all the turmoil today I recognized a sense of gratitude.  Because of my studies, I now know that strong emotions are signals of potential lessons.  The pangs are growing pangs, and I do want to grow and learn.  Today I recognized that my emotional reaction toward another was actually frustration with myself, which I worked on rectifying.  And in the second case, I needed to express myself and make sure I didn’t “give” with resentment, and I was successful in expressing myself to a receptive classmate. (Yay for metaphysical peeps!)

Art

I’ve been wanting, wanting, wanting to create something artistic, to draw something.  But I could not get myself to do it.  When my teacher told us to create with a group, I saw my chance to play.  One of my classmates had the idea of making an illustrated dream dictionary, and I put it into action.  4 of us students picked symbols we’d been seeing in our dreams recently, wrote down the symbolism, and created a picture to go with it.  It felt amazing to finally create images with colors, and I was just as amazed at the wealth of knowledge of the students with me.  I find it kind of amusing — and very humbling — how much I learn from the students who are in earlier lessons than I am.  I guess it goes to show how unique we are as individuals.  Things that I’m struggling with as an individual may already be strengths in another.  We all have our talents, and we are all moving on our own paths at different rates.

Zombie Dream

Image courtesy of smarnad / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of smarnad / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Zombies.  They were everywhere.  A group of us were trying to stay away from them.  We were worried they might get in the house.     Male leader.  At one point there were zombies in the house.  Sleeping!  I wanted to make sure they didn’t wake.  Don’t make eye contact with the zombies.   Sleeping woman zombie on the couch. Looked similar to the parent of one of my tutoring students.  I think at one point one was trying to bite me.

The images from this dream were rather scattered, since I hit the snooze quite a few times that morning (Monday morning) and didn’t write the dream down immediately when I woke.  However, the focal point was zombies, and I was terrified of them getting house in the first half and then terrified of waking them up in the second half.

This is not my first zombie dream.  Zombies are aspects of yourself (since they are human), but they are aspects that haven’t quite changed.  (If they were dead they would have changed, but they’re not . . .  quite. . .  dead . . .)  In the first part of the dream I am afraid they will enter my state of mind (the house), and later I am hoping they will remain sleeping (unaware, or dormant, perhaps).

I had some emotional surges the 24-hours before, so I think they must be connected to the zombies.   One was old resentments/issues about money.  The other was panic over a lack of control (over time, in this case.)  I’m not sure which the dream was referring to exactly.  However, in both cases  I was displeased with these parts of myself and hoped to prevent them from taking over me — so, I suppose either can apply.

So, then, how can I use this for learning?  I think I need to go back to both emotions and identify the thoughts behind them.  In the case of the money resentments, I recognized a karmic pattern that I had built and made some resolutions to help break the pattern.  This one is not finished, however.  As far as the semi-panic, I’m not sure what to think.  The emotional reaction took me by surprise.  I’m not sure if I need to learn to be more flexible or if I need to set more boundaries.  I’m sure the universe will help me figure that out by bringing it back to me again!

Kindness

Image courtesy of Gualberto107 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of Gualberto107 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I cried during healing class tonight.  We were taking turns reading from Lesson 5: “The Effects of Emotions and Stress”, and I’d started reading a quote from an intuitive report, when I got choked up and couldn’t finish.  It was about “bitterness” and “resentment” and carrying the past into the present.  I flashed back to my health analysis, which advised me to study the root of my resentment.  “But I don’t know what that is!” I said.  But it could be that I don’t know myself, as both my health analysis and past life profile suggested.  I mean,  I’ve spent my life trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be, a chameleon who forgot her original color.  That could easily be the root of my anger, as well my resentment.

I also talked to my class about my judgemental-ness of my emotions.  (“I can’t believe you just had that emotion!”  I can’t believe you just judged that emotion!  “I can’t believe you’re judging the judgement” . . . “. . .”)

So, here are some things that I’m going to try this week.:

  • If I’m downward spiraling into a judgement whirlpool, still the mind.  (Be Still!‘)
  • Be kind to others.  This week I’m studying the virtue of “kindness” with the intention of being kind and gentle to others, so that I may learn how to be kind and gentle with myself.
  • Meditate on a higher power.  I asked my teacher what to focus on during meditation because my sessions sometimes felt a bit unfocused (basically, I wasn’t sure if I was doing it right).   He and my classmate said to listen to my heart (So, I guess I’ve been ok!) and to surrender to a higher power.  Creation and evolution come from I AM, and I need to connect to that source.  My teacher said that he connects with a Father God.  I’ve always felt a connection to the Virgen Mary (especially the apparitions of Guadalupe and Medjugorje)  so I choose to focus on a mother figure.

In the end, my classmates reminded me that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be — my conscious and subconscious have created the circumstances that I currently find myself in so that I can learn and grow — and that someday, I will be able to look back on this from the other side.  I smiled a teary smile and said, “God, I hope so!”

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