The Power of Conscious Emotion
by Jorge Candelaria
Some people want to improve their lives, but they don’t want to do anything differently. They are addicted to their way of being. To improve one’s life and make the difference on the planet requires trying different ways of being. Sometimes it requires challenge and sacrifice, but sometimes it’s just about enjoying the journey.
It has been six years since I started my journey to know myself. I had no idea at that time where I was going to end up, and that allowed me the freedom to have new experiences and to be different, From my heart I knew that there had to be something more out there because nothing that I was doing was fulfilling me.
Some parts of the journey have felt like a struggle, and in other parts I am reaping the fruit of my efforts. The first step in my journey was exploring discipline, and I experienced how powerful it was. I learned the influence of discipline on my feelings and emotions, and I started to understand my environment at a deeper level. I also became aware of other people’s behavior around me and the influence of our thoughts and our choices on each other and each other’s behavior.
I fell in love with discipline, meditation, and spiritual exercises, that allows me to be in the present moment and get me closer and closer to have a quiet mind. I started practicing self-observation and objectivity with my thought; this process allowed me to discover all the baggage that I needed to change or get rid of. At some points I was face-to-face with anger, self-pity, and sorrow. Sometimes I reacted, blamed, and complained, blending all of those emotions. In those moments I realized the effect of discipline and commitment in the process of spiritual development, in being able to see how I was actually creating my reality. I also observed past patterns of thinking, including coping mechanisms I used to hide myself in, using unproductive habits like overworking or excessive internet use when things got tough. Then instead I started developing ways that I could be in those challenging emotions, experiencing them. I observed myself in the present moment, observed how I was creating the experience. I could then see if the feeling was habitual, an addictive behavior that was that an unconscious reaction to the experience. In that process, I learned that I had so many wounds that I needed to heal, like blaming other for triggering a negative emotion. I realized it was something that I learned at home when I was little. Through this process I began to discover and trace how I developed my personality, and how I became who I am.
I also started to observe the usefulness of discipline to consciously create in my life. This is something that I have always enjoyed. I see the benefits of discipline in creating a business and focusing on one direction without the hassle of the standard ways of marketing, just maintaining the positive and direct thoughts of serving and loving what I do.
The objectivity and mindfulness I have developed has helped me stay conscious in my work. The unconscious habit that I catch myself in is thinking that just working harder is going to help me to solve a problem in the business, in my life or in being ‘productive.’ I think I am going to fill some emptiness. In those moments I now stop and look for what I am avoiding, what problem or what emotion I need to face.
In the journey of breaking my addictive behavior, I have found that the most important thing is to experience a deeper understanding of love. I am looking to receive all new people in my life into my heart, to experience divine friendship. Also, just as importantly, I look to experience and practice self love.
Posts tagged ‘emotion’
I haven’t worked with these dreams as much as I need to. I may bring one of them up in the Dream Webinar tonight. I had them Monday morning after a bit of an emotionally tumultuous Sunday. The good I can gather from it is that I’m involving a lot of aspects of myself. (There are a lot of people in my dreams.) The part that I need to work on is being able to harmonize with and organize these aspects of myself. Struggle is a thread throughout these dreams.
These are not necessarily in consecutive order:
Dream #1: Looked like the back of Bowser’s body got ripped off. Butt and legs. I’m freaking out. Brian’s mom assures me it’s fine. It happens. It’ll get back together. I look at him and he still has all of his parts. His back legs are raw, though. You can see the muscle like an uncooked drumstick.
Dream #2:I am having an affair. It’s in a committed relationship with a curly-haired blonde (resembles ice skater from Dancing with the Stars), but I am attracted to a guy who resembles the boy band guy from Dancing with the Stars. We’ve at least made out a few times and may even have been intimate. (There has definitely been the desire.) He’s a good lover, very adoring and tender. I feel awful. I want to be with this guy, but I feel loyal to the other. And I’ve already cheated and feel extremely dishonest.
I’m in the room with lover and the blonde comes back, and I hug him.
Something about maybe his friends are suspicious.
He’s looking at a bra I have on a hanger (the tiny small pink one that I use when desperate) and something else hanging (underwear?). He looks at them suspiciously, and I am amused because it has nothing to do with what’s going on. But I’m wondering if I should come clean. How can we have a relationship based on lies?
Dream #3: (related to previous?) Step into an office. A lot of guys in there having a meeting with guy. I like the music played, and I mention it to the black guy nearest me.
Dream #4: In a school setting. Someone has been sending odd, threatening texts. Leader of school is putting everyone on alert and trying to gather everyone together. Feeling of uncertainty and fear. (Do we see him at one point?)
Dream #5: I’m taking care of 2 very helpless, elderly women. I lose track of one as we are trying to get aboard a vehicle, like a bus. I freak out and go off looking for her, leaving the other woman behind. (She is pissed!) This woman’s body has been folded up kind of funny (in half) and she is wrapped in a white blanket. When I get back to the vehicle (the first woman) makes some comment to me (insult). I smile and say “Thank you.” She smiles in derision and says it wasn’t meant as a compliment. I smile and say I treat it as one.
Yesterday I’m struck by the range of emotions I went through yesterday. Even when I get enough sleep, am eating pretty well, and my week has passed its climax, I can still live an emotional roller coaster. It puzzles me, and the controlling, perfectionistic part of me gets extremely disconcerted and frustrated.
The first major part of my day was writing workshop. It was fantastic. I gave a quick mini-lesson and then spent the rest of the period in conferences. I LOVED that part. I am a one-on-one type person, and writing is my favorite subject, so having the chance to discuss kids’ original work was the highlight of my week (besides karaoke).
I felt a sense of peace as I left the school. I felt like another job was accomplished, something else could be checked off my list. And it was a beautiful outside; the sun was shining, no cold wind, etc etc.
The middle of my day was just as pleasant. I read for a bit. (I’m enjoying I Am the Messenger by Markus Zusak.) I used the elliptical, making sure to go both forwards and backwards, and I had a pleasant 2-hour or so chat with my dad about various things that left me feeling that things were alright in the world. I headed home, and settled down to read up on some world history in preparation for tutoring early the next morning.
And then things got a little off.
It started with the prep. reading. I took too long. We had an event yesterday evening; a friend was coming down from Wisconsin for a bit, and she was having people meet up at Gameworks to hang out for a while. It started at “6”, but I had seen on the facebook event that some people planned to come late, and I figured that no one really shows up right on time, anyway. I was nibbling here and there, and I didn’t know you could even eat at Gameworks.
But apparently I hadn’t nibbled enough, and Brian hadn’t eaten enough, because we both began to get cranky, and the evening turned a little hellish. Finally, at 6:15 or so (after telling Brian 2 or 3 times that I wanted a little more time to finish reading . . . yes, I think I started it . . .) we finally set out on the road.
I realized a little late that neither of us knew exactly how to get there. We just knew it was way up north somewhere, likely off of 355. But we don’t like taking 355. It has many expensive tolls. However, it’s also a lot faster.
So, now it’s 15 minutes after the scheduled start time, and Brian sets off in his car, heading toward 59, while asking me to use his phone to try to find the address, and then use one of his various map apps to try to get us there. While I’m doing this, I ask him: “Why are we taking 59? Isn’t it off of 355?” while figuring that maybe he just didn’t want to take the tolls. I struggle with the phone, and he gets frustrated and takes over at the next red light. “Holy cow that’s far north!” he says. “I know,” I say, “That’s why I was surprised you were taking 59.” “We’re taking 355!” he announces, and turns the car east. “But shouldn’t we go back home?” I ask. “No!” he says. “But aren’t there a lot of tolls?” I ask. “Yes,” he says. “And you don’t have an I-Pass,” I ask. “I’ll pay them on-line later,” he huffs. “But Isn’t it more expensive without one?” I persist. “I don’t care,” he says. Then 1 minute later he turns the car around. “Forget it!” he says, “I’m not spending that much money on tolls!”
So now we’re backtracking. We return home and switch cars. I insist on driving for the semi-illogical reason that I’m not sure he’s listed on my car insurance (since this has never stopped me before), when I really just don’t feel like being responsible for navigation, nor communication with our friend. I admit as much a few minutes later.
I neglected to mention that when we first left, Brian told me to call our friend to find out what her dinner plans were: if they were eating there, when they were eating there, and when everyone was going to be there. I was already in a weird mood and opted to text her the 20 questions instead. He insisted that I call her if we didn’t get a text back by the time we were on the road again; I stubbornly refused. We never heard back. We found out later that she had left her phone at her mom’s anyway; we also found out that everyone had eaten right at 6.
We got there at 7:30. The place was bigger than we thought, and after walking a lap around the entire upstairs and downstairs, we finally found her, as we were contemplating a second lap. This was fortunate because we were now at level red irritation levels and the claws were about to come out. We said a quick hello and make quick introductions, and then announced that we were finding something to eat. We spent the next half hour of our “visit” alone with each other — and finally – with our desperately needed dinner. (Which was still vegetarian, by the way: a roasted tomato pizza, pepper jack potato balls, and onion rings.)
Then our friend and her new lovebug met up with us and we caught up/got acquainted. Besides my unexpected onrush of crankiness (which I guess may be attributed to starvation), my emotions from this point on baffled me. I am contiunally amazed at my reaction to meeting new people: I am completely uncomfortable. And this time I was even uncomfortable with my old friend, having nothing of the complete peace and ease that I had felt with our last conversation. I was worried about whether I was paying more attention to one person or the other, wondering if what I said was appropriate, and then sometimes not knowing what to say at all. When I met up with the rest of her friends, I barely conversed with them beyond the regular pleasantries. Why was I so extremely uncomfortable?
Later, Brian’s friend came over to meet us there, and my emotions baffled me further. Again I was feeling annoyance and awkwardness. I felt as if he were taking Brian away from me, as he and Brian drew toward each other and meandered off to the side to chit-chat, while I observed the others in their bowling game.
Throughout the rest of the evening I struggled to understand and deal with my emotions: awkwardness with new people, awkwardness with my friend’s change in relationship status, awkwardness with Brian’s friend, competitive frustration when I stunk at bowling, and discomfort and confusion about whether I even wanted to spend the money and play any videogames – most of which I normally have an aversion to for their violent or unappealing nature.
Why couldn’t I just have relaxed and made some simple chit-chat? Why couldn’t I have gone with Brian and his buddy to play that basketball game, instead of stewing on the leather sofa? Why can’t I be the life of the party, instead of the mope of the party? Why do I feel this way, and why do I let my emotions control me? How much do I just observe and accept myself for who I am, and how much do I try to analyze what’s going on inside me, recognize the negative energy, and try to flip my attitude on its head?
Needless to say, my mostly peaceful day ended in turmoil, and I just wasn’t sure what to make of it. I guess I’ll just accept it as it is and move on. Next time I can try to be a little friendlier, try to sidestep the emotions that attempt to tie me in knots. But nobody died, I haven’t lost any friends, I haven’t embarrassed anyone or made a fool of myself, and Brian and I aren’t fighting. So, I think in that way at least, I can call yesterday a definite win.