Posts tagged ‘depression’

Metaphysics Monday: Rollercoaster Emotions

Image courtesy of markuso / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of markuso / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Lately our metaphysics teacher has been surprising us with her responses to our experiences during the week.  Feeling upset?  Great!  Resistant?  Fantastic!  Struggling with your exercises?  Good!  I imagine she will same something similar about the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on this past week.  I think her point was that sometimes we experience things in extremes to get a sense of  the extremes of duality, which helps guide us toward our center.  Also, the stirred up emotional turmoil signals a change is coming on, and the School of Metaphysics is all about change and growth.

I’m struggling with self-empowerment today.  That is my current focus, and I still find myself seeking answers from others, not trusting myself.  I want to know that everything will be alright.  I don’t want to make a mistake.  And I want to be positive.  I really do.  This morning I even told myself “T L C!”  (Thinking positively, Love, and Concentration.)  I started off the day energetic and determined to do my best.  And yet by the end of the work day my shoulders were sloped, and I was angry, frustrated, and depressed.  My ego had pulled the gray cloud the rest of the way around me, and I felt like this “positive-thinking” person was just me  pretending to be somebody I was not.  I called Brian, and voiced what I believed.  “I am a negative thinker.  I don’t trust myself.  I will never find a job that makes me happy.”  “Fake it ’til you make it” just sounded completely ridiculous right then.   Then I had a tutoring session with a student that had moved from Sundays to Monday nights, and driving home after the session I stopped for a moment, checked in with myself, and realized I was now in a happy state, peaceful even.  I had a glimmer of hope again.

I do not know what the exact answer is to what I’m looking for.  But something inside tells me that I need completion with this, and I need it something fierce.   This is my chance to believe in myself, to make a clear decision and run with it.  And if it doesn’t work, run with something else.  I still feel I need a little more information, a little more faith, and then I’m going to leap — and fly.

Gotta Have Faith

"Smiling Friends With Circle Shape" courtesy of stockimages/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“Smiling Friends With Circle Shape” courtesy of stockimages/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

This past week has been a struggle for me.  First off, I set my heart completely on something, and I couldn’t understand why the universe hadn’t given it to me yet.  I knew I really wanted it (for once), I told my friends about it, I asked my family to visualize it for me, I was trying to visualize it myself (which is hard for me), and I got a clear “66” signal for it.  So, what did I do wrong?   Why were others receiving, while I was still getting nothing?

I feel like I don’t understand how the universe works.  I thought if I put all the right circumstances into place that I would get exactly what I wanted.  I thought that my wishy-washiness was all that was holding me back.  But now I don’t know what to think.  Am I over-thinking?  See, now I’m over-thinking about my over-thinking.

Also, I felt an attack to my ego last week.  I understand that I need to work on my ego, but I thought the criticism/comments came from a place of misunderstanding, and I wondered if I should have spoken up.  Did I need to defend myself?   Instead I chose to retreat into a place of bitterness and frustration, fighting to sort out what was ego, and what was truth.  I may receive some clarity in class tonight.

I ended last week in a swirling haze of anger, transitioning into work-related worry; then, I began this week with a fresh bout of depression.  I knew logically that none of these things were good.  Worry is negative visualization.  Anger is a near opposite of love.  Depression is. . .  well. . . depression.  (Dwelling on the past in a negative way, I suppose.)  I knew logically that I needed a change, I knew that I had a soul, that I was a being of light.  I knew it from my lessons. But that’s the thing about depression.  Something in me just didn’t care.

So, the reason I’m writing this at all is that something changed.   Being with people yesterday turned me around.  Maybe the interactions forced my brain to focus on something else.  Or maybe my life felt like it had some direction and purpose again.  Probably both.  But I’m grateful to those who changed my life for the better: my ACT tutoring students, the older gentleman who flirted with me at the coffee shop, the friendly lady who gave me a wide smile at the intake interview, the new friend who promised a fun surprise for today, my ex-fellow teachers who shared my home and their love for children, and my sweetheart, who said he felt blessed to spend his life with a beautiful soul.

I know life is full of lessons, and I forgive myself for laboring with some of them.  There is positive in every experience.  I’ve just gotta have faith.

Precious Moments

"My Family" courtesy of AKARAKINGDOMS/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“My Family” courtesy of AKARAKINGDOMS/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I’ve been going through a transition and have struggled with feeling stuck and lost without a purpose.  Some of the speakers talked about how the universe is shifting and how what I’m going through is normal.  That’s a relief.  The whole thing has been very difficult for a sensitive, emotional person like me.  I can’t compare myself to anyone else, because I don’t have the ability to climb into their brains, but the rolling emotions, especially the low lows have been hard for me.  Sometimes I don’t know why I feel as I do and don’t know what to do with my depressed emotions.  I do what I can: I improve my diet, I exercise, I distract myself, I look on the bright side, and I have special moments like last night when I take notice of how completely happy I am.

Last night I played dominoes with my grandma, Mom, Dad, my sister, and Brian, and I was all happiness.  No sadness or worry.  Some of you may be thinking: “Dominoes?  People even play that anymore?  That makes you happy?”  I don’t know what to tell you; I used to think the same way.  But I have the best time playing with this group, and I won’t forget it.  Those are moments to remember and live for.  People have told me that you can’t be happy all of the time.  I think you can. Or you can much of the time, depending on how enlightened you are, how at peace you are with yourself and within yourself.  But I think it’s true that for most people it is very difficult.  And I think I will add to my toolbox (a term I got from my psychotherapist long ago) the “This Too Shall Pass” wisdom saying.  All of the other stuff and techniques are  good, too –like the sacred place in our minds (mine’s by the ocean) — but sometimes you’re just wallowing in the muck and feeling stuck there, and you just got to make it through, knowing it won’t last forever.  Sad times pass, just as the happy ones do.  The cycle continues.  Lessons are learned.  Life moves on.

Pickin’ Myself Up

"Earth And Sunset" courtesy of Idea go / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“Earth And Sunset” courtesy of Idea go / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

As a sensitive person, my emotions can take me on quite the roller coaster.  You may not see it, but I can certainly feel it!  I felt down as I got up this morning. I was a complete 180 from Saturday morning, when I’d woken up feeling at one with the spiritual plane, happy to have this experience on Earth, and amazed with every aspect of life.  Today I felt lost, misunderstood, direction-less, purpose-less, helpless, and listless.  I wanted to just stop caring.

So, I picked myself up.  I made sure I had protein in my breakfast.  I took my Vitalizer vitamins (hadn’t taken them since Thursday), popped a Vitamin D, some Moodlift Complex, and had some Vivix.

I got some grading done, applied to another job, and did rough lesson plans for the rest of the school year.  And after I finish this post, I plan to get in some exercise.  (Yay, endorphins!) I haven’t done Zumba in quite some time, and I could really use a good full-body aerobic workout.  Finally, I hope to get some more leafy greens in during lunch today. (Yesterday I overdosed on yummy cheese and crackers, and I’m sure that didn’t help things.)

One day at a time.  One moment at a time.  As long as I’m still here on Earth I know there are still things I’m meant to do, experiences to be felt, and lessons for me learn.

Free Form

"Wooden Path Walk To Tropical Forest" courtesy of Keerati / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“Wooden Path Walk To Tropical Forest” courtesy of Keerati / FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

I’m afraid if I don’t post today that I’m not going to post at all.  So this is the “suck it up and post” post.  I’m not really sure where to go with this. . .  let’s see.

I’ve been thinking again about what direction to take with my blog.  I know I want it to be positive, but I also want it to be real, and sometimes things feel tough, and I do feel it in those times. But at the end of the day, I want a pick-me-up.  As much as I like my melancholy songs and commiserations, it’s dangerous for me to stay in that mood for too long.  Sometimes it consumes me.

I have some issue with nervousness/fidgety-ness/I don’t know what-ness.  Like I can’t be still.  And my hands can’t be still.  And then my skin or my hair take a beating.  (Is that better than nail chewing or nail picking?  Probably not.)

I’m very angry and unhappy lately, and I think that’s because I’m still working a stressful job AND have the added stress about what is going to replace it.  And, of course, before that, the worry of what I’m going to do this summer.  I have not worked a single summer since college.  It’s not that I don’t want to.  It’s just that I’m not used to it, and it freaks me out a bit.

Sometimes I imagine myself going at it and working my life away at 3 jobs (as some have to do).  And then I think I’m probably crazy.

My students always surprise me.  Sometimes I love that.  Sometimes I hate that.  (Depending on which way they surprise me.)  Today some students from one of my generally  more focused and hard-working classes were repeatedly goofing off to the point where I wanted to write them up (and may have to next time).  I was stressed about it for the next hour.  (I don’t know if I was more stressed about their behavior or more stressed about not writing them up.)  On the other hand, some of my most difficult tutoring students have been fantastic lately.   I once had to psych myself up to see them, and now I’m looking forward to it!

Sometimes I really feel like I’m making a difference.  Sometimes I’m like: “Yeah, it’s a good thing I’m here doing this.”  Many times I feel like I’m just trying to survive.  I feel so lost.  It doesn’t help that my routine has slipped — daily blogging, daily exercise, daily vitamins . . .  out the window.

I think one of these days I’m going to look back and appreciate all that I’ve gone through.  I will be in a better place and I will have arrived.  I’ll see the path for what it was.  In the meantime, it’s time to pick myself up and to get myself back on track.

A Good Time to Cry

"Tree In Bubble" courtesy of njaj/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“Tree In Bubble” courtesy of njaj/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Have you ever had a good cry? I’ve had several, and unless I dwell too much on the original trigger, it’s a very cleansing and refreshing experience. I thought I would get one in this evening, but I waited for Brian to leave for his meeting, and now I don’t have it in me.

I think about my guardian angel sometimes, one of my spiritual guides.  Amy, an intuitive, told me about her, and now I worry that she worries about me.  Is that silly?  I want to tell my guardian angel not to worry.  Don’t worry.  Don’t worry.  I’ll be ok.  Even when my world is spinning, and I’m losing faith in myself, I know deep down that I’ll be ok.  Don’t worry.

But. . . if you’re not busy, it’s ok if you hold me for a while.  Sometimes I get lonely and depressed, and I don’t know what’s going to happen next, and that scares me.  So, if you don’t have someone else to attend to, you can stay for a while.

I’m just going to sit here.  You can sit here next to me. Make some space around my cat.  Cuddle up beside me while I just sit and be.  If my cat can still look at me like that, I must be alright.  If you’re still here to look after me like that, I must be alright.

Just be.  Just be.  Just be.

I Just Wanna Feel Bad For A While

I"Black Hole" courtesy of chrisroll / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I”Black Hole” courtesy of chrisroll / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Felt absolutely awful today.  Emotionally.  I got wrapped up in where I am right now and afraid that I would never have the strength to take a risk and make a change in where I’m headed.  I think I also was suffering from not nurturing my creativity enough in the last few weeks.  I’ve missed karaoke two weeks in a row.

Do you ever get depressed and down in the dumps and not want to get out?  Just want to feel crappy?  I mean, not REALLY want to feel that way, but you  actually kinda do?  Sometimes I just want to be miserable and stay miserable for a while.  I don’t feel like waving some magic wand and making everything perfectly fine again — or at least pretending like everything’s fine again, when I know it’s just a cover up for the hollowness inside.

But I was pretty miserable, and I couldn’t take it.  So, I figured I go with my fallback plan #1: nap.  As I laid in my bed, I did feel my head clear and my body relax, but when I woke, I still felt the remnants of the nastiness from before.  It hadn’t left me.

I had a party tonight that I had promised to go to long, long ago.  So, I prepared my happy face (basically my “everything’s fine” face), and Brian and I headed out — Brian a bit wary, and me trying not to betray my true feelings.  Thankfully, my act didn’t need to last long; I had a really good time.  I hung out with some really cool people and got to do one of my most favorite things in the world: play games.  I played “Cards Against Humanity” for the first time and actually really enjoyed it. (I wasn’t sure I would because it’s not the sort of humor that I normally jive with.)  At one point I was even doing the laughing-so-hard-I’m-crying, thing.

So, thankfully, plan #2 – Distraction – came through for me today.  But that doesn’t mean this is over.  I need to keep tabs on what’s going on inside and make sure I’m taking care of myself and taking the right path.  There’s a long journey ahead, and it’s time to get a head start.

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