Posts tagged ‘control’

ID-100294499“Then, why did we get a dog?”

My eyes burn angry holes into Brian’s back as he stomps up the stairs to take a shower.  He had told me to keep an eye on Leia.  I had just retorted that I wasn’t going to just sit around and watch her every move.

So, why was I so upset?  Because the question had struck me a little raw.  Why did we get a dog?  I didn’t know.

Was this a part of my desire for chaos?  A misdirected need for movement and creation in my life?  Or had I been drawn to this new phase of our lives?  Had I been drawn to this dog in particular?

Our new addition to the family is not what I had expected.  When we first introduced her to Bowser back at the shelter, she had been a cowering little 3-year-old Chihuahua mix.  “Where was the Chihuahua part?” we wondered.  Even when we took her home, I didn’t hear her make a peep.  We began to wonder if she even had a voice box!  2 weeks later, after getting accustomed to her new home and recovering from vaccines and a respiratory illness, the TRUE Leia began to shine through — including a hearty bark and the energetic temperament of a puppy!

Everything’s going to be fine, of course.  This all just feels like another thing that’s turning my comfortable world upside-down without my permission.  (I will change on  terms, darn-nit!)

I believe Leia is another piece to my lesson on tolerance.  I continue to be frustrated with circumstances outside of my control, and I need to accept what is. This has been a big lesson for me, so this may be the theme of the week!  Or the month!  (Universe, help me!)

Have a wonderful, beautiful day, everyone!  May it be filled with much tolerance, understanding, and love. ❤

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at

Zombie Dream

Image courtesy of smarnad /

Image courtesy of smarnad /

Zombies.  They were everywhere.  A group of us were trying to stay away from them.  We were worried they might get in the house.     Male leader.  At one point there were zombies in the house.  Sleeping!  I wanted to make sure they didn’t wake.  Don’t make eye contact with the zombies.   Sleeping woman zombie on the couch. Looked similar to the parent of one of my tutoring students.  I think at one point one was trying to bite me.

The images from this dream were rather scattered, since I hit the snooze quite a few times that morning (Monday morning) and didn’t write the dream down immediately when I woke.  However, the focal point was zombies, and I was terrified of them getting house in the first half and then terrified of waking them up in the second half.

This is not my first zombie dream.  Zombies are aspects of yourself (since they are human), but they are aspects that haven’t quite changed.  (If they were dead they would have changed, but they’re not . . .  quite. . .  dead . . .)  In the first part of the dream I am afraid they will enter my state of mind (the house), and later I am hoping they will remain sleeping (unaware, or dormant, perhaps).

I had some emotional surges the 24-hours before, so I think they must be connected to the zombies.   One was old resentments/issues about money.  The other was panic over a lack of control (over time, in this case.)  I’m not sure which the dream was referring to exactly.  However, in both cases  I was displeased with these parts of myself and hoped to prevent them from taking over me — so, I suppose either can apply.

So, then, how can I use this for learning?  I think I need to go back to both emotions and identify the thoughts behind them.  In the case of the money resentments, I recognized a karmic pattern that I had built and made some resolutions to help break the pattern.  This one is not finished, however.  As far as the semi-panic, I’m not sure what to think.  The emotional reaction took me by surprise.  I’m not sure if I need to learn to be more flexible or if I need to set more boundaries.  I’m sure the universe will help me figure that out by bringing it back to me again!

Attack of the Sugar Monster

“Sweet” by Danilo Rizzuti / 

I may have mentioned this before . . .  but I am a sugar-aholic.  Maybe it’s a junk-food-a-holic.  And I think it’s more serious than I believe it to be.  Alcoholics can’t stop after one drink.  I can’t stop after one cup of ice cream or one handful of chips. Sometimes it has turned into the whole pint or the whole bag of chips, and often it comes very close.

And I KNOW this can’t be good for me.  But the part of your brain that should tell you to stop just doesn’t seem to work for me.  The only thing that stops me is that sickening feeling my body finally gets when I’ve finally pushed it way too far.

I thought I could keep it under control by sticking to chocolate.  Dark chocolate.  It’s supposed to be really good for you and have some nutritional benefits.   And I figured I’d be safe if I stayed away from the milk chocolate.   But my stomach started having some minor issues with the dark chocolate — and I panicked.

“I can’t eat ANY CHOCOLATE??” I cried.  “Am I allergic?”  If I couldn’t have chocolate, what was the point of my plan?  If chocolate gave me problems, why deny myself anything else?

So, then ice cream came back into the picture.  Because of my lactose intolerance and the knowledge that ice cream has virtually no nutritional value, I’d been easing my way out of that vice.  But, when my carefully planned sweet indulgence fell through, my mind demanded: “Bring on the ice cream!”

So, now here I am, recovering from a holiday weekend of overeating and yesterday’s downing of nearly an entire pint of brownie explosion ice cream (I think I left like 10 bites), and I’m trying to figure out where to go from here.

At least my breakfast is always healthy.  It’s either a smoothie or my Ezekial cereal.  Lunch is usually ok, too.  It’s those evenings and weekends when I usually lose it.  I guess it’s about conscious decision-making again.  And maybe portioning my servings out into a separate bowl.  Whatever the plan, I’m determined that this monster will not become my nightmare.

If you have any ideas, please let me know!

This Week

It has been a whirlwind week this week.  Friday I thought I’d finally found some peace, but I was turned upside down when I had to leave a great workshop to return to work because my substitute teacher cancelled on me the night before.  To further give me a spin, my day ended with a phonecall from my mom, telling me that a great uncle had died and the wake was — happening as we spoke.

But I know everything happens for a reason.  I feel it all of the time now.  Too many things come together and make too much sense.  I wish I could make sense of all these happenings.  I wish I could read these signs.  I like having control over my life.  I like knowing where I’m going, where I’m headed.  Change is coming, but what will it be?

Sometimes I wish my spiritual guides would make themselves present to me., just pop in front of me and tell me what’s what, because I know they’re there.  But then I picture something like a ghost apparating in front of me, and then me consequently  having a heart attack.  Is it true that “life is what happens when you make other plans”?  How much do we “let go, and let God”?

Do I just need to relax?  Maybe that would help.  Everything will unfold as it as meant to be.

Image: Danilo Rizzuti /

Dream Interpretation

I’ve been having some very vivid dreams lately.  I wake up trying to unravel my complicated dramas to figure out what the heck is going on in my head/in my unconscious/or in the spiritual realm.


The most intriguing was a dream this weekend about a red and black checkered snake.  It was medium to large sized and slithered toward me with it’s head and first section upright, like a cobra.  But, though I inched away from it, it continued toward me, slowly and non-threateningly, and I began to feel that it did not intend to harm me.  I stayed and still and the snake sidled up to me and nudged its head into my hand, as if it were a cat.

There are always many, many ways to interpret a dream.  A lot of it depends on what’s going on in your life and the feeling of the dream.  Based on what’s going on, and what I read about snakes and the colors black and red, this is my best guess:

Dream interpretation — color: (  The black is hidden spirituality.  Red could also mean spirituality or it could be tiredness/lethargy.

Dream interpretation — snake: ( These are all directly from the site and could all pertain to me:

  • A snake is a symbol of the unconscious
  • Snakes or serpents indicate you’re in the process of healing and resolving issues
  • The snake is a symbol for an untamed part of yourself or an untapped resource
  • Snakes could represent your intuition or spiritual aspects of yourself; your instinctual drive, what moves you from the depths of your soul
  • Snakes or serpents tend to show up in dreams in times of transition and transformation


We’re at my aunt and uncle’s house in Lombard, and my mom decides we should bike home from there. (It’s about 40 or so minutes driving, mostly along the highway and it’s pitch black night.)  I was surprised — Mom hardly ever even rides her bike, let alone suggests it.  But my sister, my mom, and I hopped on bikes and set off.  I wasn’t sure how we were going to take care of the highway part. (How to see and be seen in the blackness didn’t concern me for some reason.)  I remember riding and at some point realizing that we actually were on the highway.  I began to panic as our biking speed increased, as if we were careening downhill.  Eventually I felt completely out of control, as if I were playing one of those racing video games, and I knew I was going to hit a car in front of me.  Somehow I didn’t, and passed right through it.

Dream interpretation: bike (

The two thing I got out of this interpretation that seemed to apply to my life were 1) Sometimes feeling alone in my struggles and 2) feeling like I need to go a long way to reach my life goals  Clearly, at the end, I was feeling out of control, something that I am experiencing daily in my real life, with the changes I’m going through.

Also, ( night can symbolize the unconscious/dark night of the soul.  And the highway (  is your sense of direction and life’s path.  So, again, based on my uneasiness and then complete terror, I feel completely out of control in my sense of where my life is headed.

This leads me to my most disturbing dream.


I’m in the open area behind my parents’ townhomes, and I look over at my neighbor’s yard and realize that there are 3 huge black dogs buried there side by side.  (The 3 of them are large enough that they take up the entire yard.)  I realize that they are not very visible from where I am, but that they would be easily visible from a helicopter.  The area is swampy and full of water, so you can see the dogs clearly from above.

Dream interpretation: ( “If the dog is dead or dying, then it means a loss of a good friend or a deterioration of your instincts.” And “to see a black colored dog in your dream symbolizes the shadow aspect of a friend.  The dark side of someone close to you is being revealed and you are able to see through to their true intentions.”

Well, that sounds just awful.

You can be sure I’ll be tuning into my dreams tonight!  This morning I had a dream in my parent’s house again, and this time I knew someone was dead and that one of my parent’s friends had done it, someone I’ve only ever seen once.  I decided not to look into that one because when I typed “dream interpretation — murder”, the sites began suggesting I take drugs or therapy.   Bleck.

What do you dream about?  If only my dreams could tell me what to do next with my life!! I’m listening!

Image: Vlado /

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