Pluck me away
from this life.
The darkness is dreary;
my breathe is strained.
What does this mean,
that I want to run away?
Is it only this month of February that I’m feeling,
“This too shall pass”
that I need?
. . . Or are my feelings telling me something else?
The ebb and flow of my emotions concern me.
I’m still too involved in the outside
and its effect
on my insides.
What will it take to be free?
The darkness yesterday . . .
I could not explain it,
shadowed me from the moment
I walked in the door.
Subtracted sleep and eats?
Multiplied stress and strain?
My resolution is to be happy.
So, where do I find it?
I need it.
I feel very lost. Like this is the time to break free and do my thing, but I don’t know what that thing is. I know I want to write. I love it. I can lose myself in it. But I have no idea what to do with that. I have some backup plans. . . I’ve begun looking at options. But my heart is not in it.
And now I can see myself better. No, not all of myself. But I see my fear and lack of confidence, and it drives me crazy with frustration. Isn’t there a way to just wash that all away?
I remember years back when I was meeting with Ron, my psychologist, and he told me that I tend to imagine the worst will happen. He’s right!
Do you know how you’re supposed to visualize what will happen so that you can make it happen? I keep visualizing the worst case scenario!! Look what I’m creating for myself! I need to just flip that around. I need to turn the universe in my favor.
A friend told me that wishful thinking in itself won’t get you anywhere. I get what he’s saying, but I think pessimistic “realism” is fatal. Last week I lost my hope and confidence, and my world caved in on me.
I will stay positive. I will imagine the best. I will find my new life.
The birds continue to visit me. One flew right over the front of my car. And over the weekend, another blue heron flew over me as I was walking the path with Brian.
Something is coming.
It has been a whirlwind week this week. Friday I thought I’d finally found some peace, but I was turned upside down when I had to leave a great workshop to return to work because my substitute teacher cancelled on me the night before. To further give me a spin, my day ended with a phonecall from my mom, telling me that a great uncle had died and the wake was — happening as we spoke.
But I know everything happens for a reason. I feel it all of the time now. Too many things come together and make too much sense. I wish I could make sense of all these happenings. I wish I could read these signs. I like having control over my life. I like knowing where I’m going, where I’m headed. Change is coming, but what will it be?
Sometimes I wish my spiritual guides would make themselves present to me., just pop in front of me and tell me what’s what, because I know they’re there. But then I picture something like a ghost apparating in front of me, and then me consequently having a heart attack. Is it true that “life is what happens when you make other plans”? How much do we “let go, and let God”?
Do I just need to relax? Maybe that would help. Everything will unfold as it as meant to be.
Image: Danilo Rizzuti / FreeDigitalPhotos.net