I just jumped onto Jeff Goin’s “15 Habits of Great Writers” Challenge” , and I’ve gotta catch up! Day 1 is proclaiming to the world that I’m a writers, so there it is! I also double-checked my social media profiles. I added “writer” to Facebook and saw that my Twitter (TeriLari) already has that down.
Every day I think about how important believing in myself and being confident is. I keep thinking “If I could just. . .” But I think the important thing is just to give myself a break. To just let go. . . if I am riding myself all of the time, criticizing myself at every turn, how is THAT going to help anything? I have 3 spiritual books that I keep in the bathroom, and one is 10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace by Dr. Wayne Dyer. The last time I picked it up I flipped to the chapter: “You Can’t Give Away What You Don’t Have”. (I always seem to open up to the right page.) If I am full of self-criticism, that is all that I have away. And that is NOT who I want to be.
Seriously, I had to laugh when I heard myself think this morning while walking Bowser: “Good God, Teri, you can’t be in the moment, can you? You can’t stay focused for a second!” Geez! Lighten up, self! How can I possibly relax when I have my own ego breathing down my neck every second? So, my goal is going to be to take a chill pill. If I find myself off track,I’ll just be aware of it, and refocus. . . even if it’s for a second! That’s fine!
And back to writing: I think I want to write children’s stories. I already have one that I wrote in high school that I like; I just need to figure out how best to present it to a publisher and WHO to send it, too. And then I want to keep writing. . . more and more and more. And I’m going to start journaling every day. Or at least having writing time, time where I just sit and let myself think, and then write what comes. I think I have some crazy ideas that I’ve squelched because I thought they were nuts. All this stifling has shut me off. Time to open the floodgates!
Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
I have been gone for a long time. A very long time. And I’m back. But I’m not sure what direction I want to take. I feel like I’m in a bit of limbo right now. Finishing out one journey. Embarking on another. And it’s terrifying. I forgot how sensitive I am. I forgot how uncertainty and tension takes my stomach and intestines and wraps them around its wrists and pulls them taught until . . . until. . . and that release is what I struggle to find. Do I drink it away? Do I sit with it and stew, examining my thoughts and feelings and working with what I have? Do I muscle it out? Or do I run away, distracting myself and pushing it aside. All of my life I have learned to run away, shove away, ignore. . . Now is the time to be strong.
It is frustrating that I’ve know I must be more confident, that I have to believe in myself and be strong. But I see myself. I see the sloped shoulders, ducked head, and lowered eyes, and I am disgusted with myself. But at least I see it now. Before I WAS it, and I didn’t know. But others did, and they stepped on me and stepped over me. If they step on me now, I will notice. I will.
I am afraid. I am very, very afraid, but now I know I’ve made the right decisions. I am on the right path. The universe has made that abundantly clear to me, nailing the coffin closed and spewing the writing on the wall. Any doubts I’ve had are squelched by the decisive slamming of the gavel. Verdict? Done. Free. But not yet. I must finish out my sentence. And after I am released, I have a moat to cross and a path to find. And right now I’m afraid of the water. The prison is squeezing my soul, but it is the devil I know, and I don’t know what lies beneath those waters. Or what awaits me on the other side.
Someday I will look back on this. I will laugh. Or maybe I will cry with relief. But there will be a someday. I am not dead. And though I don’t feel it, I am stronger.
Image: Just2shutter / FreeDigitalPhotos.net