This is the brainstorm for the humorous speech contest I will be participating in for Toastmasters in a little over a week. It is rusty and doesn’t have a conclusion, but it has potential! Disclaimer: I read it for Brian, and he didn’t laugh once. He did say it was funny, though, and that it will be funnier when I deliver it aloud.

“So, I think it’s time to step out of the closet. This is my fifth or sixth meeting here? So it’s about time you knew: I’m a little woo woo. I think I’m pretty harmless, but only time will tell. You might not want to get too close, though, until you’re sure. Actually, I like getting close to people. Sometimes really close. Let me explain. I used to be a student and teacher of the School Of Metaphysics. I love telling people that. Those who are a little bit more comfortable with themselves will come out and ask me what the heck metaphysics is. Those who don’t will hear the word “physics” , nod knowingly, and assume I’m some super smart pHD. I am super smart, but the closest I come to a pHD is Pretty Handy with a DoorKnob, but that’s not even true. I have a fear of new doorknobs. That’s totally true. Especially on those doors that have all the funky locks and latches, the most awkward moment of one of my tutoring lessons is when I’m standing there playing with the knobs and locks, praying I don’t break their door. And then staring at the parent pitifully, gratefully, like a damsel in distress as they come to my rescue and open it for me. But this has nothing to do with my love of metaphysics. I love learning about the mind, body, and what’s beyond the physical, and that makes me Woo Woo – It’s a blend of “wonderful” and “Coo Coo” — woo woo. See how that works? And I’m totally cool with anyone calling me that, as long as that anyone is myself. If anyone else calls me that, I’ll get all resentful, and then I’ll be caught in a bad karma loop, and you just don’t want to be caught in that — because what goes around. . .

So, anyway, back to the touchy part, I mentioned about half of my speech ago that I like getting close. I went on a retreat a few years ago to find out my healing quality. I didn’t know what to expect really. I’d learned some about energy healing, and obviously I knew that doctors and nurses healed, but what’s a healing quality?So, it turns out I had plenty of time to think about it. My report was last. And I got to hear everyone else’s like “kindness” and “vision” and “vulnerability” — wait? Vulnerability? Oh man, we can have THOSE types of qualities? I’m totally going to get one like that, I thought. Is there one like “fearfulness”? “Procrastination?” That seem to come pretty easily to me. But I was pleasantly surprised to discover my quality is “tangibility.” I have the “healing touch.” No way! Turns out I had one of the neatest qualities of all. Well, I mean, I could have had the Midas Touch. That might be a little cooler than healing touch, but then again, we all know how that worked out for Midas, right? The healing touch works out pretty good unless I heal someone who doesn’t want to. If I take someone off of disability maybe without asking. That could be just as fatal. So, actually I’ve found the healing touch is not a superpower like the Midas touch. It seems it’s like most other things and needs to be developed. But not only do others benefit from touch, it also works in reverse.

So, I like hugs. Feel free to give me hugs — unless you’re creepy. If you’re creepy, hands off. That still applies. But after I got my report, things made so much more sense in my life! I love massages. No wonder! I love kisses. No wonder! I love getting a facial. No wonder! Hmm. . . Maybe you guys like some of that, too. Actually, what’s a little more awkward is the stuff that makes most people really uncomfortable that I actually enjoy. Doctor’s Physicals? Cool with it. Pat downs from TSA: not a problem. Just recently the HR woman apologized multiple times when she had to take my hand to help me with the fingerprinting machine. I didn’t tell her, but I didn’t mind at all.

But again, this does NOT apply to every person nor every situation. This can be particularly awkward for creepy guys, particularly creepy guys who I happen to be friends with. There is no one-size-fits-all for guy girl interaction. Girls know. The vibe thing – it’s real. The problem is guys are more logical brained and stereotypically work from their brains, so they don’t get why things don’t match across the board. Women know things that they just shouldn’t know. We can feel what guys are thinking.

We already know this about moms, right? “Eyes in the back of their head” thing? Actually, I’m pretty sure it’s real. Yep, I’m expecting those will grow right in once I have kids. I had something similar as a school teacher. I think it was more like peripheral eyes, on the sides of the head, though. Yeah, we teachers are kind of like flies. Eyes everywhere. Buzzing around, sniffing out anything that’s good and that’s foul. Super good hearing, too. Do flies have good hearing? I don’t know, but I don’t think their mouths and nose work, actually, with the “food” they eat. . . .”

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