I’m learning about my ego and the many aspects of my self. I thought I was just going to have a journey into letting myself experience my emotions and speaking my truth, being transparent. But I’ve gotten more than what I asked for (not a happy surprise – but great for growth!)
I’m learning about myself through other people, not just through self-exploration. I thought that I was just going to explore strong emotions. I was going to let myself feel the fear/anxiety and be present and feel reactions from other people. This has happened. I’ve realized that sometimes I don’t do things because of the physical reactions I have to fear and to rejection. It’s the physical (bodily) feelings that I am most anxious about. They are uncomfortable and I don’t know what to do with them once I have them.
But I also discovered (surprise, surprise) that some of what I was afraid of from other people was actually a projection of myself. For example, I had an interaction with a person that resulted in a huge angry reaction. It was good for me to be in the moment and to experience this emotion. I continue to feel the aftereffects of my fear in regards to this situation and what may occur in the future. (I need to remember to stay in the present moment.)
However, what I consider as the bigger epiphany came from talking with my partner. When I shared about my experience with the angry person and how I learned to be present and feel and how I learned to both accept and allow my feelings and also learned to allow the other person to feel what she was feeling – he told me to now flip that circumstance around. And then I would understand what happens when I get angry around him. This felt like a kick to the stomach. I had no idea how I might be affecting him. I was just so used to my anger and the patterns that I have developed. I now began to reflect on how I joke about how my partner takes the brunt of my emotions. I asked him if he could feel my emotions inside his body, and I was surprised to learn that he does. The anger that I’m afraid of from other people . . . is also an anger that I hold within myself. I began to reflect on the duality of my existence. Everyone thinks I’m “sweet” because I am Jekyll to most people. And my partner gets my other extreme – the built up, pent up “Hyde”.
So, this is how I want to apply this to my life. What I applied and was the most effective was 1. Being in the moment. When I began to fear possibly events in the future — particularly happenings involving other people — I realized that I was having imaginings without having any idea of the place the other person was in. The best thing to do is stay present in what I’m doing and stay present in the event that I’m anticipating. 2. Surrender. I imagined having my heart and actually my whole self fully open. Like lying back with my arms out and my torso completely open. Like, “Hey, world, this is me! Take me as I am!” 3. Recognize judgments as they surface. Recognize them and identify them as unproductive. Accept and allow my experience, accept and allow the experience of others. And not presume that I know what’s going on with other people. 4. Receive first. Receive from the other person. Know where they are coming from, what they need. Relate.
That is all for now.
Image courtesy of Aduldej at FreeDigitalPhotos.net