Lately our metaphysics teacher has been surprising us with her responses to our experiences during the week. Feeling upset? Great! Resistant? Fantastic! Struggling with your exercises? Good! I imagine she will same something similar about the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on this past week. I think her point was that sometimes we experience things in extremes to get a sense of the extremes of duality, which helps guide us toward our center. Also, the stirred up emotional turmoil signals a change is coming on, and the School of Metaphysics is all about change and growth.
I’m struggling with self-empowerment today. That is my current focus, and I still find myself seeking answers from others, not trusting myself. I want to know that everything will be alright. I don’t want to make a mistake. And I want to be positive. I really do. This morning I even told myself “T L C!” (Thinking positively, Love, and Concentration.) I started off the day energetic and determined to do my best. And yet by the end of the work day my shoulders were sloped, and I was angry, frustrated, and depressed. My ego had pulled the gray cloud the rest of the way around me, and I felt like this “positive-thinking” person was just me pretending to be somebody I was not. I called Brian, and voiced what I believed. “I am a negative thinker. I don’t trust myself. I will never find a job that makes me happy.” “Fake it ’til you make it” just sounded completely ridiculous right then. Then I had a tutoring session with a student that had moved from Sundays to Monday nights, and driving home after the session I stopped for a moment, checked in with myself, and realized I was now in a happy state, peaceful even. I had a glimmer of hope again.
I do not know what the exact answer is to what I’m looking for. But something inside tells me that I need completion with this, and I need it something fierce. This is my chance to believe in myself, to make a clear decision and run with it. And if it doesn’t work, run with something else. I still feel I need a little more information, a little more faith, and then I’m going to leap — and fly.