Image courtesy of markuso / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of markuso / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Lately our metaphysics teacher has been surprising us with her responses to our experiences during the week.  Feeling upset?  Great!  Resistant?  Fantastic!  Struggling with your exercises?  Good!  I imagine she will same something similar about the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on this past week.  I think her point was that sometimes we experience things in extremes to get a sense of  the extremes of duality, which helps guide us toward our center.  Also, the stirred up emotional turmoil signals a change is coming on, and the School of Metaphysics is all about change and growth.

I’m struggling with self-empowerment today.  That is my current focus, and I still find myself seeking answers from others, not trusting myself.  I want to know that everything will be alright.  I don’t want to make a mistake.  And I want to be positive.  I really do.  This morning I even told myself “T L C!”  (Thinking positively, Love, and Concentration.)  I started off the day energetic and determined to do my best.  And yet by the end of the work day my shoulders were sloped, and I was angry, frustrated, and depressed.  My ego had pulled the gray cloud the rest of the way around me, and I felt like this “positive-thinking” person was just me  pretending to be somebody I was not.  I called Brian, and voiced what I believed.  “I am a negative thinker.  I don’t trust myself.  I will never find a job that makes me happy.”  “Fake it ’til you make it” just sounded completely ridiculous right then.   Then I had a tutoring session with a student that had moved from Sundays to Monday nights, and driving home after the session I stopped for a moment, checked in with myself, and realized I was now in a happy state, peaceful even.  I had a glimmer of hope again.

I do not know what the exact answer is to what I’m looking for.  But something inside tells me that I need completion with this, and I need it something fierce.   This is my chance to believe in myself, to make a clear decision and run with it.  And if it doesn’t work, run with something else.  I still feel I need a little more information, a little more faith, and then I’m going to leap — and fly.

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