I cried during healing class tonight. We were taking turns reading from Lesson 5: “The Effects of Emotions and Stress”, and I’d started reading a quote from an intuitive report, when I got choked up and couldn’t finish. It was about “bitterness” and “resentment” and carrying the past into the present. I flashed back to my health analysis, which advised me to study the root of my resentment. “But I don’t know what that is!” I said. But it could be that I don’t know myself, as both my health analysis and past life profile suggested. I mean, I’ve spent my life trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be, a chameleon who forgot her original color. That could easily be the root of my anger, as well my resentment.
I also talked to my class about my judgemental-ness of my emotions. (“I can’t believe you just had that emotion!” I can’t believe you just judged that emotion! “I can’t believe you’re judging the judgement” . . . “. . .”)
So, here are some things that I’m going to try this week.:
- If I’m downward spiraling into a judgement whirlpool, still the mind. (Be Still!‘)
- Be kind to others. This week I’m studying the virtue of “kindness” with the intention of being kind and gentle to others, so that I may learn how to be kind and gentle with myself.
- Meditate on a higher power. I asked my teacher what to focus on during meditation because my sessions sometimes felt a bit unfocused (basically, I wasn’t sure if I was doing it right). He and my classmate said to listen to my heart (So, I guess I’ve been ok!) and to surrender to a higher power. Creation and evolution come from I AM, and I need to connect to that source. My teacher said that he connects with a Father God. I’ve always felt a connection to the Virgen Mary (especially the apparitions of Guadalupe and Medjugorje) so I choose to focus on a mother figure.
In the end, my classmates reminded me that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be — my conscious and subconscious have created the circumstances that I currently find myself in so that I can learn and grow — and that someday, I will be able to look back on this from the other side. I smiled a teary smile and said, “God, I hope so!”