This past week has been a struggle for me. First off, I set my heart completely on something, and I couldn’t understand why the universe hadn’t given it to me yet. I knew I really wanted it (for once), I told my friends about it, I asked my family to visualize it for me, I was trying to visualize it myself (which is hard for me), and I got a clear “66” signal for it. So, what did I do wrong? Why were others receiving, while I was still getting nothing?
I feel like I don’t understand how the universe works. I thought if I put all the right circumstances into place that I would get exactly what I wanted. I thought that my wishy-washiness was all that was holding me back. But now I don’t know what to think. Am I over-thinking? See, now I’m over-thinking about my over-thinking.
Also, I felt an attack to my ego last week. I understand that I need to work on my ego, but I thought the criticism/comments came from a place of misunderstanding, and I wondered if I should have spoken up. Did I need to defend myself? Instead I chose to retreat into a place of bitterness and frustration, fighting to sort out what was ego, and what was truth. I may receive some clarity in class tonight.
I ended last week in a swirling haze of anger, transitioning into work-related worry; then, I began this week with a fresh bout of depression. I knew logically that none of these things were good. Worry is negative visualization. Anger is a near opposite of love. Depression is. . . well. . . depression. (Dwelling on the past in a negative way, I suppose.) I knew logically that I needed a change, I knew that I had a soul, that I was a being of light. I knew it from my lessons. But that’s the thing about depression. Something in me just didn’t care.
So, the reason I’m writing this at all is that something changed. Being with people yesterday turned me around. Maybe the interactions forced my brain to focus on something else. Or maybe my life felt like it had some direction and purpose again. Probably both. But I’m grateful to those who changed my life for the better: my ACT tutoring students, the older gentleman who flirted with me at the coffee shop, the friendly lady who gave me a wide smile at the intake interview, the new friend who promised a fun surprise for today, my ex-fellow teachers who shared my home and their love for children, and my sweetheart, who said he felt blessed to spend his life with a beautiful soul.
I know life is full of lessons, and I forgive myself for laboring with some of them. There is positive in every experience. I’ve just gotta have faith.