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"Wooden Path Walk To Tropical Forest" courtesy of Keerati /

“Wooden Path Walk To Tropical Forest” courtesy of Keerati / 

I’m afraid if I don’t post today that I’m not going to post at all.  So this is the “suck it up and post” post.  I’m not really sure where to go with this. . .  let’s see.

I’ve been thinking again about what direction to take with my blog.  I know I want it to be positive, but I also want it to be real, and sometimes things feel tough, and I do feel it in those times. But at the end of the day, I want a pick-me-up.  As much as I like my melancholy songs and commiserations, it’s dangerous for me to stay in that mood for too long.  Sometimes it consumes me.

I have some issue with nervousness/fidgety-ness/I don’t know what-ness.  Like I can’t be still.  And my hands can’t be still.  And then my skin or my hair take a beating.  (Is that better than nail chewing or nail picking?  Probably not.)

I’m very angry and unhappy lately, and I think that’s because I’m still working a stressful job AND have the added stress about what is going to replace it.  And, of course, before that, the worry of what I’m going to do this summer.  I have not worked a single summer since college.  It’s not that I don’t want to.  It’s just that I’m not used to it, and it freaks me out a bit.

Sometimes I imagine myself going at it and working my life away at 3 jobs (as some have to do).  And then I think I’m probably crazy.

My students always surprise me.  Sometimes I love that.  Sometimes I hate that.  (Depending on which way they surprise me.)  Today some students from one of my generally  more focused and hard-working classes were repeatedly goofing off to the point where I wanted to write them up (and may have to next time).  I was stressed about it for the next hour.  (I don’t know if I was more stressed about their behavior or more stressed about not writing them up.)  On the other hand, some of my most difficult tutoring students have been fantastic lately.   I once had to psych myself up to see them, and now I’m looking forward to it!

Sometimes I really feel like I’m making a difference.  Sometimes I’m like: “Yeah, it’s a good thing I’m here doing this.”  Many times I feel like I’m just trying to survive.  I feel so lost.  It doesn’t help that my routine has slipped — daily blogging, daily exercise, daily vitamins . . .  out the window.

I think one of these days I’m going to look back and appreciate all that I’ve gone through.  I will be in a better place and I will have arrived.  I’ll see the path for what it was.  In the meantime, it’s time to pick myself up and to get myself back on track.

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