I’m afraid if I don’t post today that I’m not going to post at all. So this is the “suck it up and post” post. I’m not really sure where to go with this. . . let’s see.
I’ve been thinking again about what direction to take with my blog. I know I want it to be positive, but I also want it to be real, and sometimes things feel tough, and I do feel it in those times. But at the end of the day, I want a pick-me-up. As much as I like my melancholy songs and commiserations, it’s dangerous for me to stay in that mood for too long. Sometimes it consumes me.
I have some issue with nervousness/fidgety-ness/I don’t know what-ness. Like I can’t be still. And my hands can’t be still. And then my skin or my hair take a beating. (Is that better than nail chewing or nail picking? Probably not.)
I’m very angry and unhappy lately, and I think that’s because I’m still working a stressful job AND have the added stress about what is going to replace it. And, of course, before that, the worry of what I’m going to do this summer. I have not worked a single summer since college. It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just that I’m not used to it, and it freaks me out a bit.
Sometimes I imagine myself going at it and working my life away at 3 jobs (as some have to do). And then I think I’m probably crazy.
My students always surprise me. Sometimes I love that. Sometimes I hate that. (Depending on which way they surprise me.) Today some students from one of my generally more focused and hard-working classes were repeatedly goofing off to the point where I wanted to write them up (and may have to next time). I was stressed about it for the next hour. (I don’t know if I was more stressed about their behavior or more stressed about not writing them up.) On the other hand, some of my most difficult tutoring students have been fantastic lately. I once had to psych myself up to see them, and now I’m looking forward to it!
Sometimes I really feel like I’m making a difference. Sometimes I’m like: “Yeah, it’s a good thing I’m here doing this.” Many times I feel like I’m just trying to survive. I feel so lost. It doesn’t help that my routine has slipped — daily blogging, daily exercise, daily vitamins . . . out the window.
I think one of these days I’m going to look back and appreciate all that I’ve gone through. I will be in a better place and I will have arrived. I’ll see the path for what it was. In the meantime, it’s time to pick myself up and to get myself back on track.