I am inspired to write this post based on experiences this week, most recently, reading the blog post Get Happy by Amy Keast. If you get the chance, check out the video she posted, too. It was different and really interesting.
So, basically, if you’ve been following my blog, you’ve gathered that I’ve been struggling a lot. A lot of what’s happening around me frustrates me, and I feel afraid and powerless. My life is at a cross-roads, and sometimes I don’t know where to turn with my frustration and anxiety. Often I’ve turned to addictions like bad food and beverages, which is presently wreaking havoc on my digestive system.
What I have found interesting, though, is the people and experiences that I have found attracted to me (or perhaps I am attracted to them?) Although I feel that my thoughts are dark and my perceptions are dismal, I keep finding myself surrounded by happy, hopeful people. I don’t know if this means I actually do want to be happy and have hope, or if the spiritual force here in our universe is nudging me in that direction. I think it’s both.
Here’s what I’ve noticed:
1) The people who respond to and like my posts are happy people. Many of them seem enlightened and/or really creative, and some have recently gotten through a struggle of their own.
2) I’ve been getting some good kicks in the pants from my friend and coworkers, that really make me squirmy inside. One of my great friends, who somehow always manages to look on the bright side had this phone conversation with me:
Me: “I’m so miserable. I had an awful day. I don’t know what to do anymore.”
Her: “What do you think about in the morning?”
Me: “I hate ___________; I hate _______________; I hate _______________”
Her: “Ah, so you’re attracting negative energy to yourself every day.”
Let me say, I believe what has been happening to me has been good. It has been necessary for my growth process. And I believe dissatisfaction is necessary for change; it can be the necessary push to get out of a static position and move to the next phase in your life. However. . . I also believe I have become one of those people. I’m one of those who complains all of the time to those I’m close to and drags myself out of bed and through each day. I remember when I used to be on the other side, observing grouchy people and thinking: “If they only knew that they were drawing this to themselves.” Because negativity breeds negativity. In this case, opposites do not attract. But negativity can also be like a drug. It is powerful and can give a false feeling of strength, which can become another bad addiction. I’m not sure I’m ready to give it up yet. But I know I need to. I do.
3) Yesterday’s conversation with another co-worker really put me at peace. This woman has faith, too. I could feel it flow from her during our conversation. She told me that I was a great person and that I would be ok. We would all be ok. And I could feel she believed it. She told me that she had always had faith in her God and that God had never let her down. I realized, as I listened to her, that I had experienced the same. Though I am no longer religious, I do believe in a spiritual power or energy that encompasses everything in the universe — I feel it would be foolish to deny it because I have felt it and known it. I don’t know exactly what it is, or how it works, but I know that when I’ve been at the end of my rope, and I’ve let go, turning myself over to faith, I’ve felt comforted. I have always come out ok. But then, the next time I face a challenge, I often forget my previous success and feel the world is falling around me, all over again.
I could write pages on this. For now, I end with this: I am inspired by people who have lost their innocence, who have discovered the evils of the world, and who still persevere in faith. I get choked up, even typing these words. I feel I walked blindly through most of my life, and I survived that way. Now that my eyes are open, I must rediscover faith.